The Journey of the Black Sheep

Sometimes we have a wonderful client’s whose story is best told in their own words. Today, I would like you all to join me and fall madly in love with Dia. This is her story……

XOXO, Sara

My entire life has been one of me looking down on myself, of feeling that I don’t fit in. I’m here to tell you how I broke free of that.

Bear with me, this could get long…

Daughter #3 out of 4, the only one with brown hair and brown eyes, while my sisters all had bright blonde hair and blue eyes, just like our mama… Cue the teasing, the bullying, the taunting, and the stories that they told, including saying I was adopted (which wasn’t true – I am fully my father’s daughter lol).

I was also the “chunky one” of the four of us girls, always had what they called a bubble butt. While I wasn’t skinny like they all were, I was the one with the curves, but at that time in our lives, that wasn’t ok. This stuck with me throughout my teen years, and even more so into my adulthood.

School was awful, but somehow I made it through, by focusing on activities that I enjoyed, so I could ignore the rest. Turns out, I have done this my entire life – delve into something else, so that I forget what it feels like to be teased, bullied, and verbally and mentally abused.

Two failed marriages and another shattered relationship broke my spirit.

In the first marriage, I was never good enough, never pretty enough, never skinny enough. It didn’t matter how many times I starved myself, I still couldn’t get the weight to go down, or the size of my hips to shrink. Emotionally, I was shattered into a million pieces, especially after being told I was a failure as a wife, and would never be a good mother. My self-esteem was non-existent. After one incident, where I feared for my life, I finally left that marriage, and moved on.

I found myself years later in another serious relationship. I loved with all I had, but it just wasn’t enough. He wanted a maid, a servant, a slave to do what he wanted. After almost 5 years together, he told me he wanted me to move out, that he didn’t love me, didn’t want to marry me, didn’t want to have kids with me, and I wasn’t domestic enough for him. (Ok, so I’m not a clean freak… lol) Again – life was shattered.

Next was husband #2…I thought all was well. He loved me for who I was, loved my curves, and told me I was beautiful. Little did I know that after 7.5 years of marriage, he would leave me and my son for another woman, who was half my age. There had been rumors of an affair with her, but those were quickly shot down and denied. I found out two months after he moved out, that yes – he was now in a relationship with her and had been since two weeks after he moved out of our house.

Throw into this mix, losing my Daddy to lung cancer. He was my best friend, my rock, my “safe place” when I felt I was standing in a storm. I never fully got to grieve him, as I didn’t feel I could cry in front of my husband, it bothered him to see it. So I stuffed my sorrow and pain down. I needed my father at this time, I no longer had him there to help me through this. Anger, shock, hurt, betrayal, frustration, fear…They brought me to my knees. I ate to try to bury my feelings. My weight skyrocketed, and depression sank it at all all-time fierce level. Three different medications to help with depression and anxiety, restricted work hours, failing health, and a 5 year old son trying to adjust to the broken family all were taking their toll.

After months of deep self-reflection, thinking and praying, I decided to move back home, where I grew up. It is here that I finally begin to heal, to feel complete, to feel worthy. Slowly I found the weight dropping off, I was crying less, and actually starting to see myself as a woman again, and not just a “pawn” in this crazy thing called life. In my business, I aim to help women to feel empowered, beautiful, worthy of everything they desire. I was able to do that, but was doing it under a cloak of sorts… How could I TRULY help them feel empowered, if I didn’t feel the same way myself? I was lying to them in a way. I needed to change that somehow, and it had to start with me.

That’s when I saw photos of a co-worker of mine, that she had had done in a boudoir session. She looked amazing – happy, sexy, strong, confident. Her story was so powerful, and brought me to tears. Her journey was what I could relate to. I wanted that so badly for myself. I prayed over it, and yes – even cried over it. I would have to bare my soul to do this, and let go of the vulnerability I felt. I wanted to do it, more than I had wanted anything in quite some time. So – I booked my session. While I was excited to do so, I was also terrified. When it got closer to the appointment date, I couldn’t do it. December was a bad month for me, emotionally. I messaged the sweet staff, and rescheduled out to January. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so scared by then?

Well, I was wrong. Come the time for my appointment, I was still terrified. I told myself I HAD to do this… Not for anyone else, but for me. So I set out on a two hour drive for my appointment in freezing weather and bad roads. On the way, I can’t even tell you how many times I had almost stopped and turned around. I wanted to call and cancel altogether. I couldn’t do it. I cried, I yelled, and then I prayed. Somehow I still found myself at the studio. Shaking like a leaf on the inside, and choking back the tears, I walked in. “Maybe I’ll just tell them that I want a glamour shoot, instead of a boudoir shoot…” What I found next was the most wonderful blessing in my life….

I was quickly greeted by hugs and smiles. No awkward handshakes, just pure genuine hugs. They knew my fears, they knew my story. And they knew they could change that story to have a happy ending. While getting ready for my makeup and hair, I started feeling myself relax some. When my makeover was done, I saw a beautiful face in the mirror. I thought, “Ok, so THAT part looks good, what in the world are they going to do to make the REST of me look good???”

I should have never doubted Sara.

The first outfit she picked for me was beautiful. Fit me like a glove, and made me feel sensuous, yet still a little demure. With the first pose, she showed me the back of the camera after a few shots… My response? “That isn’t me!” Sara and Tiffany laughed and said “Oh girl, that’s 100% you!” I was stunned, and excited. I kept pushing through, and did all the things that I didn’t think I would be able to do that day. I could feel my confidence growing throughout each and every portion of the photo shoot. Yes, I cried off and on throughout the session. I could feel my fear melting, my heart softening toward myself, and my self-confidence growing. It was already an emotional journey that day, I had overcome so many fears and insecurities.

By the time I was done with my session, I couldn’t stop smiling and crying. I was a new woman. On that tiny little screen on the camera, I had seen a beautiful, strong, confident and empowered woman. So I felt that I had somewhat achieved what I had set out for. Little did I know what was to come at the reveal.

OH THE REVEAL…..  What I saw had me in tears THE. ENTIRE. TIME. I almost didn’t recognize the person in the images. Who was she? I stared in disbelief, but then I wiped my tears away and saw that indeed, THAT WAS ME. The shots were amazing, and there before me, stared back a beautiful strong woman who had fought through so much in her life, but did something for HERSELF this time, and had literally shattered the shell of that woman who had come in just a week before.

I am no longer that scared, self-loathing woman. I am now a beautiful, strong, confident, sexy and empowered woman who wants to share this joy with the world. When I start to feel a little down or hard on myself, I pull out my phone, and look at some of my pictures again. The fears melt away, and the pride rushes back in. The pride in knowing that I am now giving my son a mother who loves herself – curves, stretch marks, cellulite, scars and all. I am a better mother to him for believing in myself. I am a better sister, daughter, friend and partner. I am no longer that black sheep, but a beautiful woman who vows to let her light shine everywhere she goes, touching everyone she meets.

My life is forever changed by this one beautiful experience.

Thank you Kaitlyn, Tiffany and Sara. I owe so much to you three!

Dia-My love, you changed us with your willingness to BE YOU. Thank you for your courage to fight for yourself, for the bravery it took to show up for you, just for you and for the depths of your heart that is now wide open to receiving love not just from us, or others, but mostly from you. Which truly is the greatest love you’ll ever have in your lifetime.

XOXO,

Sara, Tiffany & Kaitlyn