Ambassador Autobiographies: Accepting Myself & Taking Up Space

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping women and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each woman where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping women to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, each spring we invite a select group of women to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell.

Today we kick off Ambassador Autobiographies: a series of personal essays by each of our Brand Ambassadors. Here, they will share their stories in their own authentic voices. We are thrilled to pass the posts over to them!

Introducing Alexa!

I can honestly say without any doubt that going into Jezebel vonZephyr changed the course of my life for the better. I know it sounds shallow, vain, or silly to say that seeing pictures of yourself can completely change your outlook and rebuild your confidence, but the pictures are truly just one small part of what this amazing team helps you accomplish.

Having visual reminders you put up about your living space is a great tool to help you recall all the soul work you did before, during and after your shoot on a daily basis, slowly expanding the inner work you did. 

My First Session

I came in for a Soul2Soul session in 2018 as a newly engaged woman who had always been horribly teased and ridiculed for being too skinny. I was just starting to put on weight and was completely out of touch with my body. I wanted to get some nice photos taken to get me out of my shell and have a nice present for my husband after the wedding. 

Turns out that my reasons were too external and I struggled to feel like myself. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there in front of the Jezebel lens of love. 

Overall it was an amazing experience. I had a lot of fun and I love so many of my photos. However, I was so in my head and locked up behind my walls that I wasn’t fully able to trust myself and the team. Therefore I didn’t get as much growth out of the experience as I could have. I instantly knew it. 

I had seen how much sessions helped some of my new friends and the client community at large as I watched quietly from the background of the Future Belles Facebook page.  

I wanted to relax my grip a bit and see how much I could flourish too.

Discovering My Magic

I was finally able to go back in for a second Soul2Soul shoot in October 2021 because I wanted to release my spooky side with the witchy set. Afterwards, I returned to the Soul Work provided in a Soul2Soul session to reflect and grow. 

I’ve also jumped on every opportunity to grow more through Jezebel events and offerings. At the beginning of the pandemic when the team decided to offer up a reduced version of the experience done as a Brand Ambassador, so I participated and wrote my body image journey. After my witchy shoot I also wrote a client feature for the blog. 

Now as a full-on Brand Ambassador looking back on all of my JVZ experiences, I am amazed at how much my journey has evolved over time and how much I have changed and grown. My story is one of a shy little girl who could never stand up for herself, and though my story isn’t complete, I have grown a voice and want to help any and all women that I can feel that they matter and are worthy.

Processing the Pieces

As I prepared to write the current version of my story, I reread everything I’d written and reflected on up until the present. In short, I have dealt my whole life with body dysmorphia that made it so I never recognized myself in the mirror or cared what I looked like. 

However, at the same time I was constantly bombarded with others’ thoughts and opinions about how tiny I was, and whether or not that was a good thing.

Everyone made it seem like something I should have been proud of even though I didn’t do anything to look a certain way, but they also made fun of me, and said horrible back-handed compliments to me. People also insinuated that I had an eating disorder, vilified me, and told me it was my fault when I was harmed because clearly I was asking for it. 

No matter what I did, I couldn’t gain weight and my personality didn’t help me fit in either.

I was in such a fierce state of survival mode that even when my heart, mind, and soul were screaming out to say something, I never physically or emotionally had the strength to do anything but shrink down and wait for the problem to be over. 

The Music Within

As a musician, I constantly had teachers trying to bring out my stage presence, my “Diva”, but how does a middle schooler, or even a university music education major, take up space on stage when they were always made to believe their self issues didn’t matter because they were skinny like everyone else wanted to be? Not to mention that I felt like my challenges were just in everyone’s way all the time. 

Music was a healing tool for me but I knew since I was about six years old that I didn’t have the confidence to be a performer. What a sad self-fulfilling prophecy that was. Luckily, working with kids in my young adulthood unleashed a part of me that vehemently stood up for those who couldn’t stand up for themselves. I slowly started to think “I deserve to stand up for myself too.”

Answers & Acceptance

Now here I am approaching my high school reunion, going through yet another complete transformation. Physically I am dealing with a lot of changes. I have dealt with long term mystery illnesses that I am just now starting to get answers to with a doctor who’s willing to look at my *literal* four page list of symptoms and issues holistically. 

Part of those changes include a rapid weight gain of 50 pounds in the last year or so, which feels really dramatic after staying the exact same weight for over 10 years. I get occasional moments of shock and displeasure when I look at parts of my body and see how big they have gotten or that I have new stretch marks or blemishes. However they are always quickly followed by a thought of where and who is this coming from? I certainly don’t think like that about anyone else and therefore shouldn’t feel that way about me. 

Enter Jezebel

Jezebel came along at the perfect time for me, just when my body was starting to look more like a woman’s body instead of a child’s body. 

When I was still in a place of all my old insecurities I had been living with for decades. 

When I felt 100% safe for the first time in my life and could explore who I was and what parts of me needed to heal. 

I decided they would be my photography company and met them at exactly the moment  I needed: a group of non-judgemental, diverse, and inclusive women to take me in and remind me that all my care for the world and people around me comes from me being well first and foremost. 

Slowing Down and Taking Up Space

The women of Jezebel reminded me that it is ok to slow down, comfort your ego (or as well like to call her, our inner mean girl) and take up space with your voice, body, love, and passions. 

Instead of ignoring my reflection, I stop and see the person looking back at me and can say “you matter” or “look how far you have come”. 

Instead of staying silent, I can hold fast to what I know is right and act upon what I care about. Instead of shutting down my interests because I am not good enough or don’t know enough, I am boldly embracing joy in every little moment I can and learning to let myself experiment and make mistakes. 

One part of my original body image story really hit me hard again so I shall quote it here:

“Words I want to reclaim… The first ones that come to mind about my body are things like tiny, skinny, thin, small etc. I don’t think I am most of those things anymore, but I am sure people still think them about me. The one that usually impacted me the most was tiny, as it made me shrivel up and take up less physical space, cowering in the corner and slouching to the side hoping no one would pay attention to me.

But I am getting to a point in my life where I want to live big.

I want to take up the space I deserve and do the things I want to do boldly. Yes, I am still tiny–a nearly meaningless speck in the grand scheme of the universe, but I can have a big impact on myself and those around me. It is also a comfort to know that no matter how big, loud and bold I live, it isn’t going to shake the world, as I am just one tiny little person.”

This right here is exactly why Jezebel VonZephyr has impacted me so strongly and why I think all women deserve the experience to see themselves through their lens of unconditional love. That right there is exactly why I wanted to become a Brand Ambassador, even though I was nervous to show some vulnerability and open up. 

Living by Example

Despite my nerves and doubts, especially as a former teacher, I believe in living by example. If little ol’ me with my whole life of problems can start to heal and grow, then I know that everyone else can too. 

I want to live in a world where no one, but especially no little girl, EVER feels like she has to hate herself or reduce her unique flair to fit in. Yes, we as people are just a single little drop in this grand universe, but to each of us individually, our minds and therefore our thoughts and emotions are the entirety of the oceans in our own worlds. 

Life is far too short to hold ourselves back, and no matter what we do, even if we majorly screw up, the world will keep on turning. However, that little girl watching you, whether she be your daughter, a friend, a stranger, or a past version of you, could be forever changed by your actions and words, big or small. 

I will forever be grateful to Jezebel, for helping me on my journey and giving me a platform to help share my story and to assure you that you are not alone and deserve to be seen. No matter how your story compares to others, no matter how big or small you may be, you are amazing just for living and making it as far as you have. 

You deserve to go as far as you can towards your goals and dreams and you deserve to celebrate exactly who you are today, no changes necessary. 

Lots of love, Alexa 

If you are reading this: you deserve to take up space. You deserve to be seen. The women of Jezebel VonZephyr wholeheartedly believe this and are ready to help you discover this truth. Are you tired of playing small? Then dream big, lovely, and let us help! Your own personal journey is one worth embarking on. What are you waiting for? Our studio and lens of unconditional love are waiting!