Ambassador Autobiography: Seeking Self-Acceptance & Fighting Self-Doubt

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping women and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each woman where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping women to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, each spring we invite a select group of women to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we feature the story of another Brand Ambassador: Kim! She’s had quite the journey of self-acceptance, so we’re excited to pass this blog over to her so she can share her story! 

Meet Kim!

I found JVZ quite by accident but what a happy accident it has been! Actually, I think it is more of a serendipitous fate that led me to JVZ as I am right where I belong. 

2021 was a big year for my husband and I: we celebrated our fifteen-year wedding anniversary and we both turned fifty. We always discussed taking our bucket list trip to Bora Bora that year to celebrate our life’s milestone events, but as the saying goes:  life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.   

As the world remained crippled with the global pandemic in early 2021, it became very clear we would not be able to travel and I started to consider another fabulous gift to give my husband for our anniversary. 

I started thinking about doing a boudoir photography session, as it would be a huge surprise since it was a large step outside my comfort zone. The more I did some research about it, the more I liked the idea but I was terrified of actually moving forward with the session.  

The First Steps Outside My Comfort Zone

I have never really liked the way I looked in photographs. I have always judged myself too harshly; my eyes are too dark, my stomach too large or insert any other mean girl comment here.

As I started to research studios, I had no idea what I was looking for. I saw plenty of beautiful photos of gorgeous women but they all had one thing in common: they did not look like me, a thick, middle-aged woman.  

Then I came across the JVZ website. 

Not to be dramatic, but it was as if I was drawn to that page. There were plenty of women just like me and they were HOT! The photos on the website and blog were simply amazing!

So, I made the call and requested a session. 

Kaitlyn was so inviting and informative. I remember being super nervous for our call. (In hindsight, I have no idea why! It is only a phone call with one of the nicest people ever!)

She asked all the questions and went through the formalities.

I do remember her asking me what I do like about my body…. Boy. That is a tough one! No one had asked me that in a long time. I could give you a list a mile long of what I didn’t like, but what did I think was positive? Wow. That was a hard one for me to answer and to be honest I don’t remember what I even said. 

Session Time!

On session day I was so, so nervous. I was worried that my nerves would show though in my photos, making me appear stiff and fake. However, all my nerves quickly faded away when I met Tiffany and Sara. I remember sitting in the makeup chair with Tiffany as Sara started to curate my outfits for the day. We were chatting and laughing as if we were long lost friends. 

The welcoming vibe and acceptance from both just made me exhale and let loose. 

At that moment, I decided the day was all about me and no one else could dull my shine. 

During the session, Sara offered a sneak peek of one of the photos on her camera. I was shocked and speechless. I could not believe the photo I saw was really me! She must have a magic camera that transported me into another dimension. 

Revealing & Reveling

Reveal day was the opposite of session day. Instead of nerves, I was a ball of excitement! I could not wait to see the wonders that Sara and her magic camera captured! I was amazed at what I saw and actually cried. 

They were happy and stunned tears, but there were tears. 

Under JVZ’s skill and tutorage, the real Kim was captured again and I started to remember who she really was–and I missed her. 

Reflections of My Past

You may ask where the real Kim went. That is a great question and I would love to tell you. Over the years, she slowly faded away. I do not recall any specific reason why but I certainly did lose myself. 

My family life was not stable as a child. Of course, I knew no better at the time, but I now realize that I had suffered significant trauma growing up in a house with emotionally absent parents. They did the best they knew how, but their own personal issues prevented both of them from being supportive and present. 

I spent much of my childhood being as small and invisible as possible. Oftentimes my role reversed from being the child to the caregiver at a very young age. 

I had not realized how much the dysfunction and missing parental support negatively influenced my essence until recently. I always saw this as a way of life and just the way it was. To this day, I am still the primary caregiver for my mother as she refuses to care for herself.

Seeds of My Self-Consciousness are Sown

Growing up, I was the tall skinny kid and teased about it by others. I think that was when the tiny self-conscience seed planted in my soul and it only grew with age and time. As a teenager and young adult, I was still that tall girl, but now I had curves but I lacked any self-identity. 

I looked to peers, magazines, and media to define ”beautiful”.  Back in the late eighties/early nineties, body acceptance was not a movement. Absent any parental support, I defined my self-worth through approval of others and when I did not find any, I took that to mean that I was not worth accepting. 

My once funny and goofy personality started to grow quiet. 

I started to fade into the background and conform into what I considered “normal” and allowed others to provide undue influence. 

Love & Loss

In my late twenties/early thirties, I suffered significant losses that changed the course of my life.  My father passed after a long illness and that led to a divorce from my high-school “sweetheart”. I quickly remarried (as I continued to seek validation from others) and after only one and half years of marriage, my new husband passed away unexpectedly. 

Those two deaths changed my outlook on life. I focused on anyone and anything but myself to avoid the grief. I am more cautious now. 

I am quieter now. 

I now keep my opposing opinions to myself, as I do not like to argue. I realized how precious life really is and my world constricted for a while. 

Seeking Self-Acceptance and Fighting My Self-Doubt

Coming back to the present, while I still hold the scars of the past, they are faded and mostly forgotten. 

I have found a supportive partner and am fighting a journey of breaking down the self-doubt and misguided acceptance. I am seeking acceptance from myself and what makes me feel complete. 

I am learning–and this is a tough one for me–to take time for myself. 

Justifications Not Needed

Recently, I have started to identify as a witch, not something I would ever speak aloud before now because I did not want to have to justify myself to anyone. I finally realized that I do not have to! 

I also learned I do not have to hide my “flaws” under baggy clothes. Recently, I wore a two-piece bathing suit for the first time in my entire life simply because I wanted to. I am choosing styles that I like and not based on age. 

I started to speak to myself the way I will speak to others, with love, tolerance and acceptance. 

I also am using my voice again and no longer make myself small.

I am unapologetically taking up space.

I am simply being me. 

And, in case you’re wondering, yes, my husband LOVED the pictures. He said it was the best gift he had ever received. I agree because the session at JVZ helped me start my journey back to myself and accept me for who I truly am. 

Did Kim’s story resonate with you? Perhaps you’re trying to find your way back to yourself—many women are. You are not alone! This is why Jezebel VonZephyr exists. We live (and love) to help women rediscover their spark, their light, the essence of who they are. If you don’t recognize yourself and you need a nudge forward, come see us. We’ll be happy to help you see yourself through our lens of love. Perhaps it’ll kickstart your own amazing journey of love and self-acceptance!