Ambassador Autobiography: Defining Myself As I Move Forward

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping women and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each woman where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping women to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, each spring we invite a select group of women to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we turn the blog over to Kat H! She courageously shares her story of overcoming the identities she was given so she could learn to love and accept herself. We hope that hearing from her resonates with you! (Please note that there is talk of violence, abuse, and mental health challenges in this story, so practice self-care if this any of these are triggers for you, lovely reader.) 

My Identity is Not What Was Taught To Me

It has taken me much time and hard work to see the real me in the mirror and like her too. It’s new, wonderful, refreshing, and more than a little heartbreaking to see myself and realize I am NOT what my childhood, society, magazines & the media taught me.

Growing up with parents who were the physically abused children of alcoholics, I knew I had it way better than they did. I wasn’t beaten, no one molested me, and I had food to eat. 

Sure, my parents went through a messy divorce when I was 4 but I don’t remember most of the fights. Yes, I was witness to life-threatening domestic abuse by my stepfather but at least he didn’t hurt me. Witnessing the rage of my manic-depressive stepmother the first time was scary but I learned to deal. Being a parent to my mother as she went through intensive regressive therapy was hard but I survived.

None of those things were nearly as bad as what my parents grew up with so how could I complain?

As a young child I thought I struggled with my weight or at least that is what I was led to believe. What I’ve learned is I had unrealistic pressures and verbal abuse that resulted in rampant self-loathing and body dysmorphia.

Never Measuring Up

At age 7 or so the log books began. On an ongoing basis I was weighed, measured and compared to someone with a completely different body type, metabolism, muscle mass, and bone density than my own. A person with whom I share no blood or ancestry but somehow to whom I must be compared, regularly.

It created in me a belief that I would never measure up. That healthy eating and healthy habits were less important than how I looked. That no matter how hard I tried to diet and exercise I would never be what was wanted, what was ideal. 

Being told things like “at least your fat is solid not squishy” or “at least your fat is proportionate” as my only encouragement just reinforced my poor self image.

What Was the Point?!

By the time I was in high school the self-loathing was high and depression had me very low. If I wasn’t good enough no matter how hard I tried, why try? Why exercise like crazy and deny myself food if it’s never enough?

Why eat cabbage soup and run miles every day of the summer to barely maintain–or worse gain?! When the person to whom I was compared could eat all the Hostess pies they wanted and never gained weight?!

So I ate. I gave in to the cookies that were always on the counter. Microwaved those tasty Schwann pizzas & bagel dogs in the freezer. Poured bowls of cereal and popcorn, never noticing the lack of fruit or veggies at home. 

As I grew so did my shame. I hid under men’s jeans, baggy shirts and oversized sweatshirts. Thinking no one would ever want this person or this body. 

When someone tells you that you are fat enough times it starts to become what you see. Eventually the image in the mirror grows more and more distorted until it no longer resembles the beautiful creature looking at herself.

Perspective Prompts Change

I received a card for my 30th birthday and was shocked to see pictures of my 10 year old self! I started bawling on the spot for this beautiful child. This child DID NOT have a weight issue! This child looked just like my 10yr old nieces. This child was NOT FAT! She was healthy and beautiful, and she had absolutely no idea!

This event prompted a change in me.

I started looking and thinking back. I began examining the whys and hows of all the negativity and loathing I had associated with my body.

It’s been difficult shedding the labels and the hangups of others. Seeing past the distortion in the mirror is hard work and I still struggle. Slowly, as I’m learning to love every part of myself, those old nasty messages pop up less and are being replaced with new loving messages.

I’m learning to be unapologetically myself, to embrace my quirks, my power and my gifts, to love myself just as I am.

This has grown in me a new confidence but I definitely need reminders. I need new images and messages to overwrite the old!

My Jezebel Moment

I was nervous walking into the Jezebel vonZephyr studio but as I was welcomed in warmly by Sara and Tiffany, a bit of that lifted. They listened intently as I chatted away while unpacking my things. Both asked me questions and genuinely wanted to know the answers, and even more nervousness floated away.

When I sat in the makeup chair my nerves rekindled a bit, then Tiffany asked me how I wanted to feel, not how I wanted to look. She didn’t pour on makeup, she accented and highlighted, enhancing my features and confidence. When she was done it was still me in the mirror, but I felt beautiful, powerful, seen and heard!

Stepping into the first set Sara made me feel so comfortable and confident while capturing stunning photos of my unique beauty. I felt like I had known these ladies forever.

It was as if my fairy goddess sisters that had watched over me and encouraged me from afar, had appeared to wrap me in love and share with me the best day ever!

Walking out of the studio my heart was full and my feet were light. It’s a sparkle that is hard to describe other than complete delight!

That lovely sparkly feeling didn’t go away.

The sparkle rekindles every time I look at my photos and remember that day and how beautiful and powerful I felt!

Feeling Myself After My Session

As the days and even weeks went by after my session with the amazing women of Jezebel vonZephyr, I found I had a new appreciation for my body.

I smiled more and even smiled at the mirror more. 

I have always loved my smile, strength and compassion but more than that has been difficult. Then came my photo reveal. 

I never imagined how wonderful a slideshow could be or how it would make me feel. I saw me, really saw me. The music they chose was so beautifully coordinated with my photos and so wonderfully blended with my tastes that it filled my heart! Gasps and happy tears flowed freely and unashamedly as I watched images of my beautiful self scroll by. 

Occasionally I would look over at my husband with a “yeah that was an amazing shot” look but mostly I just stared in wonder at this gorgeous creature. Marveling at her playfulness, chuckling at her cuteness, and loving her pinchable curves!

I needed to see myself, really see myself without all those distorted filters of mine. I needed to be myself, to be vulnerable without judgment.

I can honestly say I loved every photo of my curves, my booty and even my chunky thighs!

I still need to see those things. I need reminders, encouragement and positivity on the days I’m not feeling it. My photos aren’t hidden away in a box. They are on my walls, in my wallet, on my screensaver and smiling at me from my phone!

The women of Jezebel vonZephyr radiate a positivity that shines in our community. They create a welcoming and uniquely loving environment. The ladies at Jezebel vonZephyr Photography are a team of body-positive professionals, encouraging self-love, diversity and inclusion. They uplift women and are powerful voices for change!

My Hopes Moving Forward

I, too, want to use my powers for good! My hope is that by sharing my story, I can help someone to not wait so long to start loving their bodies, to empower and encourage someone to move forward with their body image journey. To start celebrating their wonderful and unique beauty!

I want to help women to understand that weight is an arbitrary number, to see their body is unique, beautiful, and requires no comparison. 

I want to see generations of women who know only they determine their own worth and it has nothing to do with weight!

I want to see a world of women being positive, kind and loving to each other.

I want to create around me a community that is loving, encouraging and empowering of every body style, shape, size and color. A community that respects each other and stands up to body bullies, speaking up and speaking out for others and ourselves.

Were you given identities that do not fit you? Perhaps you’re looking to redefine yourself or move forward to create your own future full of self-love and community? If so, then you are ready for Jezebel VonZephyr! We have limited availability for fall sessions, so if you want to jumpstart your journey of self-love you should act fast! Redefining yourself is just one decision away!