Awakening To My Worth (A Jeze-blogger’s Story)

“What the FUCK am I doing? What the fuck…what the fuck, Krissy?!” I kept muttering this to myself as I drove over the Pass on my way to my first boudoir session. I considered turning around multiple times. My stomach was in iron knots. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t get naked in front of strangers! 

Somehow, though…I did it. Five years ago today I did my first Jezebel VonZephyr session. 

And I’m not lying when I say that it changed my life.

Sobbing in the Studio

I never expected a photo shoot to literally shift my mindset and challenge everything I thought about myself. Yet before my session even started I found myself in tears.

Sara was excitedly showing me a stunning rose gold gown she wanted me to wear. I visibly shrunk back and she asked what was wrong. I tearfully admitted that I wasn’t used to being able to wear pretty things–fat girls don’t get to wear gorgeous gowns. Sara hugged me and looked me in the eyes.

“You deserve to wear pretty things.”

I deserve to wear pretty things. Those six words kickstarted a shift within me. At 35 years old I was used to playing small and accepting whatever the world would give me.

It shook my entire worldview to step into a studio that not only saw me wholly, but celebrated every part of me.

For the first time in my life I felt truly seen.

And I felt so fucking beautiful. 

I cried in my car on the drive home. (Note to big-hearted future clients: bring tissues with you, just in case. And maybe a bottle of water.) I could feel something inside of me shifting and changing. It felt like neon zinging through my veins.

It was exciting. And so fucking scary. 

It was so scary that I sobbed every night for over a week straight. I cried and  journaled and processed and then cried some more as I tried to put into words how I felt during and after my Jezebel shoot. 

Yes, I felt beautiful. Yes, I got to wear awesome outfits and play in the studio for hours with people who felt like my new besties. And yes, I felt seen and so damn celebrated throughout the entire process. 

But it went far deeper than that. I felt safe and understood. As a fat woman that isn’t something I was used to experiencing.

No part of the process felt uncomfortable to me. I didn’t feel judged at all, even when I didn’t fit into certain pieces or couldn’t pose in a certain way. The team cheered me on and met me where I was at. They patiently processed with me throughout the day and gave me grace when I showed frustration in myself. It the greatest gift I could have ever gotten. 

Messages From My Past

Reflecting on my experience forced me to think about my life and all of the messages I have been told since childhood. I went into the studio thinking I loved myself, but my session showed me that true self-love starts from within and I had some work to do–due in large part to the millions of messages I’d been given throughout my life. 

As a fat girl I was told to shrink, be small, stay quiet, ignore my feelings and needs. (Sidenote: I was also told these things because I grew up in a very conservative rural area. Many factors were at play here.)  I did everything I could to fade into the background and keep myself safe from bullying, judging, and teasing.

I carried that mindset into adulthood, which showed up as people-pleasing and ignoring my boundaries. My comfort and needs didn’t matter. “Who was I to shine?” I thought regularly. I didn’t think I was anyone special. Because of societal messaging and conditioning I believed that I shouldn’t be “too much”: too big, too bright, too loud, too demanding. So that was how I carried myself for decades. 

Until my session showed me that I deserved to walk in my worthiness. 

Awakening to a New Chapter

I want to be clear here: this isn’t something that transformed me overnight. There was no magic lamp or ancient spell that allowed me to wondrously become an unapologetic, confident fat woman who speaks her mind and shines in whatever way she pleases every moment of every day. 

It was an awakening. My session showed me that I need to choose me. I need to do the work for myself. Because I am worth it. I am worthy of my own love and energy.

I need to wake up and do the work. For me. Because I deserve to love myself fully. Wholly. Unapologetically.

Through that first session (and subsequent other sessions) I realized that self-love was an active choice: I must choose myself every day. My needs matter; who I want to become matters. Those were things I never realized because of everything I was told growing up and navigating the world as a fat person. 

I need to fiercely love myself and act in ways that allow me to be my most authentic self and help me shine. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. 

Doing the Work

Friends, I’m here to tell you that this took work. A lot of work. Years of work. And I’m still not done. 

The journey to radical self-love and acceptance is a life-long adventure. There is no endpoint. But it started five years ago today. 

My first session showed me that I should dare to feel worthy. Special. Like I am enough. Because I am. Every person is. Many of us are just fed lies our whole lives in order to force us to play small for the comfort and benefit of others. 

Fuck that. 

Once I realized that my inner beliefs were serving a false narrative that hurt the world, I wanted nothing more than to break free, shine, and help other womxn to do the same. My Jezebel session showed me that I need to see and honor my own unique light. 

Small Steps Towards Myself

So I started taking steps to honoring my most authentic self. I began taking more selfies and sharing them online. I talked about my session and showed friends my photos even though I was incredibly nervous about sharing half-naked photos of myself. I became a Brand Ambassador to continue processing my JVZ experience while examining long-held beliefs.

A lot of the journey initially was very inwardly focused, which involved a lot of crying and journaling. Healing my relationship with my body is hard work. 

And it’s necessary work. Because with each cry session, conversation, selfie, and aha moment, I take one step closer to living my most authentic life. My world and identity look drastically different than they did five years ago. 

Because of the work I’ve done (and continue to do) I’ve had the courage to come out as bisexual, which is something that I’ve been nervous to do for a very long time.

I began intensive therapy because I realized that a big part of healing and radical self-love is asking for help and using the resources around you. (And I recognize how incredibly privileged I am to be able to access and afford therapy. This is not the case for everyone, but I really wish it was.)

I also made a major professional shift and left the field that I loved and had given over a decade of service to because I realized that I deserved to be paid far more for my ideas and energy. I also did not want my identity to be tied to any job or field because I am so much more than the work that I do.

Community + Connections

One of the biggest gifts over the last five years has been the community that I’ve found through Jezebel VonZephyr. When I stepped into the studio I didn’t have a lot of close friends in the area–I mainly hung out with my dog and my partner.

Jezebel helped me connect with the team, who became fast friends. It also introduced me to a supportive, body positive community of womxn who have turned into some of my closest, fiercest, dorkiest friends and confidants. 

Final Thoughts

So much has changed for me in the past five years. Like I said: I didn’t expect a boudoir shoot to change my life. What I do know is that I went in scared but excited and open to possibility. And that was the spark that Jezebel needed to light a wildfire in my life. 

I will leave you with this: a Jezebel session may not change your life. But at the very least it could remind you of your worth and how fucking magical you are. Because you really are, lovely. We all are. Sometimes we just need a new friend to remind us of that.