Ambassador Autobiography: I Can Do Uncomfortable Things

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping womxn and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each womxn where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping womxn to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, we invite a select group of womxn to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

We kick off our Ambassador Autobiographies for 2023 with Cassondra! She’s battled some tough inner beliefs about her body and decided to become a BA to help other women who may be struggling with similar stories. Let’s hear her story! 

Feeling It All Before My Session

What was the deciding factor in booking my first session? Honestly, it was a double-dog dare.  I was challenged by a naturopath I was working with to help me lose weight and just generally get healthy.  I told her I was stuck and couldn’t seem to fully engage the way I needed to.  She encouraged me to think about something that scared me, but that I had always wanted to do, or do something that put me out of my comfort zone. I had always wanted to do a boudoir shoot, but never had the body confidence.

Before my session I was nervous and excited. I’m a pretty open person, so I wasn’t worried about showing skin in a private setting like this, but I was nervous about not being sexy, not knowing what to do with my body, how my body would look and if I would be judged.  I was worried if I would hate the end result and regret it.

During my session I actually felt good. I allowed myself to enjoy dressing sexy and the Jezebel team made it so comfortable that I kind of forgot about being nervous. 

I felt powerful. 

I got so much encouragement and positive feedback, I really found myself enjoying it.  My biggest hurdle was moving my body the way I wanted to because my knees are broken and I’m a big girl. I also struggled with smiling–I am really self-conscious about smiling.  I didn’t want my cheeks to go up and cover my eyes.  I didn’t want my teeth to show. That part was tough.

I felt really good for a couple of weeks after my session. I was walking around in my underwear all the time and just really felt confident for the first time in a long time.  I walked around with this inner badass that knew what I had done and it was like a sexy little secret. It was “my truth” in a way.  It was something that I knew about myself that no one else did, no one else could see.

At the same time, I was nervous to see my pictures.  I prayed they would look as amazing as I felt.  I prayed I would see it with my own eyes.  Honestly, the reveal was a struggle and a reality check that didn’t match what I felt, but I still found pictures I was proud of and that I loved.

My Body and What I Believed About It

I was a big kid from day one.  I was always chubby, but wasn’t really made aware of it untill I started going to school and the kids were cruel. I cried coming home from school and my Dad said, “Babycakes, you gotta get tough skin, you can’t let them get to you.” It broke his heart, too.

As a teenager, I HATED myself. Boys didn’t like me, kids were cruel, I didn’t have a boyfriend, I couldn’t wear the clothes everyone else did. I spent a lot of time in tears. Luckily I had my horses and they gave me a great outlet and a way for me to build my confidence in myself.  

Right before my session, at 49 yrs old, I still hated this body. It still wasn’t good enough. It didn’t work the way I wanted and I spent a whole lifetime just wanting to be beautiful and to FEEL beautiful.

I’ve believed a lot of stories about myself and my body. One big message was that if i lost weight I’d be pretty.  If I lost weight boys would like me and girls would accept me.  If I lost weight there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do.  

If I lost weight I’d be normal. 

If I lost weight I’d be worthy of love.

I know now, as an adult, that I don’t need to lose weight to be loved and accepted. 

However, all those old stories have held me back from doing things that I wanted to do. I’ve passed on opportunities because I didn’t want to be the big girl or look out of place. For example I will not fly in an airplane right now because I don’t fit well in the seats. I don’t like going out to eat because I worry I won’t fit in a booth or chair. I avoid anything that involves swimming, bathing suits or athleticism. 

Beauty isn’t defined by my body. My husband tells me I’m beautiful every day. I believe he believes that, but I still can’t bring myself to believe it. My husband gets so frustrated that I just shrug off his compliments. It hurts him, which breaks my heart.

Comparisons and Confronting Discomfort

I’ve done some inner work on myself since having my session. I’m pushing myself to be uncomfortable. For example: going to the gym, wearing shorts to the gym and in public. 

The more I can do uncomfortable things, the more I come to realize the voices in my head create way more drama than in real life. 

I’ve also been trying to consciously listen to my body. Like, not just eating my feelings and then feeling bloated and having a headache. I’m intentionally stopping and considering the impact that my coping mechanisms have. 

I need to be kind to this body and listen to what it’s telling me. I am a work in progress.

I think my thoughts about my body contribute to my sense of achievement and accomplishment. I often think, “if I had been thinner, I would have been more brave, maybe tried other things, taken chances, really made a mark on this world.” And then when things go wrong or I don’t succeed at something, I think, “see, I knew I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, healthy enough to do that.” It’s a horrible story.

This narrative makes me constantly wonder “what if?” instead of looking at everything I have accomplished.

I’m realizing that when I encounter body shame or discomfort that I’m usually quieter. I want to blend in, not be seen, heard, or acknowledged. In my head, I create this image of what other people probably see and it tears me up inside. For example if we go out to dinner and the booth is super tight, I feel like I’m twice the size I am. I feel ashamed. 

I compare myself to everyone else and assume everyone else is doing the same. I make initial judgments about others based on what they look like, for example, “oh look how perfect she is, I bet she’s a bitch, must be nice.” That is not a fair story at all. And, I’ve been proven wrong about that more than once. I also will not want to be around other people who are as large as me, or because I don’t want people thinking, “Oh, look at those fat girls living it up.”

I tell myself horrible things. And then I’m angry I was never strong enough to change.

Why Be a Brand Ambassador?

I want to be a BA because I believe in what JVZ does: the gift of love (and self-love) Jezebel gives to womxn. I want to have that self-love and I thought that if I immerse myself in all this self-acceptance, self-love and comfort in our own skin, maybe, just maybe I’ll BELIEVE it. I want to, but I won’t allow myself to. 

I loved how safe I felt when I was at the studio. And how the team hyped womxn up. And the Jezebel tribe and community is amazing; I wanted to be part of that

Through the Brand Ambassador program I think I’m becoming more kind and I am definitely more aware of what I say to myself and to others. I have moments where I want to make some self-deprecating comments and I’m starting to take a pause and consider why it is necessary to put out to the world that I don’t like myself. It makes other people uncomfortable. There is no such thing as this protective shield of self-deprecation, you know? I think I’m protecting myself from others’ judgment, but instead, I just bring attention to it. 

Insecurity and self-hate are not good looks for me. I think awareness of my internal and external voice is the gift I’ve gotten from the Jezebel community so far. 

I think we, as womxn, put so much pressure on ourselves, we absorb the pressure from society and we are often the caregivers to everyone else. Fuck. 

We all need to be lifted up and we all could use a break to focus on ourselves. We frequently do not grant ourselves that.

In a world of keyboard warriors, we need to be strong, stand up and be proud of who we are. A photoshoot, or even being a JVZ BA, is so valuable in creating that kind of strong womxn. Every womxn is different, but dang, if we can escape for even a few hours and become a diva, a sex kitten, a superhero, a confident person or even an angel, and carry that inside, that’s the real win.

I think this experience of being a Brand Ambassador will bring me a small sense of peace (or maybe a BIG sense, who knows) and the knowledge that I am a badass with or without my clothes on.

Thank you, Cassondra, for your honesty and courage in sharing your journey with us! If her story resonates with you, we invite you to book a session with us. It may feel uncomfortable, but you may also stretch your wings and grow! Just like our amazing Brand Ambassador, you deserve to feel strong, proud, and uplifted.