Ambassador Autobiography: Letting Go of Lies

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of connecting with womxn and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each womxn where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping womxn to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, we invite a select group of womxn to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

On this first Friday of summer, we hear from Nicole, who bravely shares her body journey. She’s been through a lot and we are so happy to hear her story. Please be aware that this entry briefly addresses mental health and suicide, so practice self-care as needed, dear readers.

In the Beginning: Why I Booked

Why did I book my initial session? I wanted to create a unique 10 year anniversary gift! I wanted to spice things up, play dress up and do a little self discovery with this session. 

Going into my session I was nervous, excited, anxious, and also proud. There were a lot of emotions going through me before I got to the studio. During the session I was still nervous and excited but started to feel sexy and confident as I got my hair and makeup done and stepped in front of Sara’s camera.

Afterwards I felt more like me. I left feeling content, elated and so excited to see my pictures!

Seeing My Body In a Different Way

In thinking about my relationship with my body throughout my life, I’m unsure if I really thought about that much as a child.  I do know I was unsure if I wanted to be alive when I was young. As I became a teenager I felt less strongly about wanting to unalive myself and focused more on how flat my chest was and how wide my child-bearing hips were. I really did not like my body at all as a teenager or a young adult. Then when I was in my twenties the only time I really liked my body was when I was drinking my dinners and was super skinny. 

Now that I am in my 40’s I want to have a stronger body. I don’t think I necessarily want to be “sexy” but I do want to see myself and my body as strong and capable.

I was working on that idea before my shoot and have been really trying to hone in on what that means and how it looks since being in the JVZ studio.

When I think about stories and messages from society and the people around me,  I’m not sure anyone really told me stories that I believe per se. But I did believe all those MTV videos showing me what a womxn is supposed to look like: all those Angels prancing around with long legs that didn’t jiggle and boobs that spilled out of their bras. I thought that was the ideal body and that I needed to look like those women I saw on TV.  

I also assumed that I would be able to have babies with no problem because I had them big birthing hips. That actually turned out to be mostly true for me, so perhaps that story has some credibility.

Today, though, I think about myself and my body in a completely different way. I believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

How I look is simply not as important as the life I live. I mean it’s as important as I decide to make it that day, but I am choosing to focus on the life I want to live and not my body as much.

Connecting to My Body & My Mind

Since my session, I’ve been doing some work to connect more with my body. Lately, I will make sure I am stretching more: that I am squatting instead of bending and that I’m intentionally caring for the meat suit that houses my spirit. 

I am more focused on being a good person overall instead of how my body is holding me back. I have been trying to flip my script from finding the problem to just being like “I’m hot.” No discussion–it’s just a damn fact!

I’m centering this connection to my body holistically and noticing how I am treating myself. As I work to become stronger I notice my focus is on what I can do. I’m also noticing that I’m challenging myself to do something that might be hard or heavy. 

I usually think that I’m unqualified for a lot of things because I’m neurodivergent and have RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria).  I’ve experienced this for most of my life but only just recently learned  what it was. With RSD I have always been afraid of rejection. I have always second guessed myself. I have always replayed what I said to others and tried to people please. 

I come from generations of womxn who feel/felt their worth was based on appearance and perception. I am working on being my true self and accepting that some people will not like me regardless of how I outwardly present–I’m working on not being worried about if I’m dressed nicely or if my hair and makeup “look appropriate”.  I realize now that it’s ok because I don’t like all people even if they appear fabulous.

When I encounter discomfort with my body image? I don’t talk about it. It’s something I need to work on because  I am not fat but I am also not skinny. So it feels like I’m in a limbo where if I do try to talk about my body discomfort it is generally not received very well and I am dismissed with excuses as to why my feelings about my body are not valid. I’m hoping that being a Brand Ambassador will help with processing these feelings and starting conversations.

(Note from the Jezebel team to people reading this: your feelings about your body are valid. We hope every womxn can feel seen and heard by us and our community.) 

Bring on the BA Experience! 

I wanted to become a BA because I wanted to share the journey that I’ve experienced: growing in self acceptance and self love.

I want to help others fall in love with themselves again and/or find new ways to celebrate who they are and what makes them so fucking spectacular. I also love that Jezebel VonZephyr and the JVZ community are welcoming and love fandoms and fangirls, empower womxn and are bitches against bullshit.

By being a part of the Jezebel community, I continue to grow in knowledge that we all struggle with different aspects of accepting ourselves. We are all embracing what we look like in spite of what we are told via social media. We’re united in a communal “fuck the patriarchy” type of mentality. 

Being a part of this community brings new ways to celebrate what brings us joy and to let that seep into the everyday.

Take a Chance

I think it is important for us all to break the chains, and let go of the lies and BS that we have bought into and just shine our light.

Jezebel VonZephyr helps us to see that light in new ways and holds our flames while we allow them to be fueled and grow until they cannot be extinguished. 

My advice for womxn is this: stop waiting until things are just right because they will probably never get to that point. Let us Take Chances, Make Mistakes and Get Messy.

Thank you, Nicole, for sharing your story with us. So many womxn struggle with the stories they tell themselves and internalize from external sources. To break though that BS and learn to love yourself holistically is a brave and beautiful thing!

If Nicole’s story resonated with you and you want to bravely start a new chapter in your self-love story, book a session with JVZ! We can help you start a different story. Like this brave BA says: take a chance! Good things could happen for you!