14 Mar If I Had Kept Lying (How I Escaped Mediocrity)
“I ask for so little.Just let me rule you,and you can have everything that you want.”–Jareth the Goblin King (Labyrinth)
This past year has been incredibly difficult for me as a person and I used my job as an escape from my life. As I learned during my time in LA, once you know the truth, you can no longer ignore it.
Last summer my daughter made a suicide attempt and it scared me into submission, passivity and weakness. It was the first of several wake up calls I didn’t listen to. I had a lot of reasons not to listen to it, the first being my daughter screaming at me that she didn’t want me to be there. She told me I was of no help to her and to leave her alone. It terrified me because it mirrored a past I was certain I had left behind, never to be seen or repeated again. Little did I know that the universe will keep delivering your secrets to you until you release them and they are no longer secrets anymore.
The past this situation was mirroring was me as a young teenager watching my once loving step-mom turn into the most psychotic person I have ever met before or since. More about her is in my book, but for now I will say her suicide attempts were numerous and usually were blamed on me.
When this identical situation appeared in my daughter whom I know to be this amazingly loving soul I was terrified. Suddenly my daughter was quite angry and bitter, and blaming me for her actions! I couldn’t believe how out of nowhere my past rushed in and as a result I crumbled into a 13 year old girl reliving all of the trauma. This time I didn’t have young sisters and a baby brother to shelter from the storm, I just had myself to shelter from the storm. I did what I know how to do, which is run away and hide. On a Sunday night this all happened at 12:30am. Instead of either helping myself or my daughter, I went back to bed and went to work the next day.
I recall telling my boss that this had happened and she was shocked I was doing as well as I was. She gave me permission to take the day off and I declined because I believed I wasn’t wanted. I also knew something about my numb reaction was wrong. I was not yet totally aware that I was no longer acting as an adult but as a child in a traumatic situation. I should’ve been there for my child even if she didn’t want me to be. I used a lot of excuses and justification to cover my pain and fear. The universe knew I was still hiding so it was inevitable it then delivered a carbon copy of the worst parts of myself.
My company bought out another company and with that came new employees. One in particular was part of the actual acquisition deal and that still seems odd to me. I realize it was agreed upon but this guy was literally bought by the company. Really what was actually purchased was this man’s relationship with a client my company desperately wanted–at any cost.
This man that was now my coworker is actually a really great guy. He isn’t the most approachable man in the world, but once you do, he is very talkative. He is clearly uncomfortable and insecure in his skin, but absolutely secure in his talents. He knows his stuff and really is very smart. Aside from the audio video world we lived in he is also a gifted painter. Since he is a carbon copy of the worst parts of me, it also is true he is the carbon copy of some of my better assets as well.
Here are the worst parts: he is a victim. He is perhaps the most public victim I have ever met that also still has any level of success. Give this many any opportunity to whine and he’ll take it. Everything you say to him is perceived as criticism and he responds as such. He manages his victimhood that he chooses to live in by bringing everyone else down with him.
His worth as far as he is concerned is equal to the number of emails he sends a day. It’s what makes him feel important. On average I’d get upwards of 100+ emails a day from this one person. And then he’d be all shocked and surprised when I hadn’t got to all of them yet. Everything is happening “to him”. We were on the same team and co-workers not boss/employee and I’d get things from him like “Here, mail this today.” Or “what is your issue with email?” Or “Please apologize to so and so for me.” Despite the fact that so and so sits 2 desks away from him.
How about this: Get up off your ass and apologize for yourself you giant fucking baby!
Clearly this working relationship was not working. I refused to live as a victim a long time ago even if the universe was trying to make me do it. I absolutely have things from my past I need to let go of, deal with and move on, but that is a lot different than living my life as a victim. My last straw with him was right before I left for LA. He had sent yet another passive aggressive “poor me” email and I took a stand. This is exactly what I said:
“There is no need for you to be a jerk just because I’m reminding you of the process. I didn’t want you to think that the voicemail was going to be fine and I’m off and running with this. I’m communicating what the needs are for the project in order for it to be successful. AND…..I’m totally done taking any and all of your passive aggressive crap over email. It’s totally unnecessary. I was just trying to help.”
I got called into HR and was told they’d already met with him and he was so sorry and apologizing all over the place. Implying of course, that now it was my turn to also be sorry and it was time to make friends on the playground again. To HR’s surprise I said “He is not sorry.
It’s an act. If he were sorry, he’d stop doing it. This is month 4 of him being sorry for being a jerk. I am actually not sorry and because of that am not apologizing. I meant what I said and will keep saying it until something changes. And next time it will be louder and the time after that even louder.”
I was open to suggestions for conflict resolution and made a few suggestions of my own, but the key thing in all of this is I am REacting to his actions against me. In order for conflict resolution to really be successful (by HR’s standards) he’d need to change his behavior first. Because this girl has had enough.
Do you remember that scene from the movie Network? “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!!” Rent it, it’s worth a watch. I agreed to a meeting on Monday to start dealing with this asshole despite my soul screaming that it was pointless.
While all of this was going on with this jackass, right in the middle of it, I got the worse phone call ever. My Dad died. I cried harder than I can ever remember crying for hours. I sat with his wife (my new step-mom, not the evil referenced above), his brother (my uncle) and all of the friends he made his family and I cried hard. I listened to the Medical Examiner say weird things like “You’ll need to call the funeral home to retrieve his body.” What funeral home? I don’t have this shit on speed dial, what the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t say this of course, but I was thinking it.
I took the 3 allowed bereavement days from my company that (lucky me!) landed the week of July 4th so I really had the whole week off. Again, just like with my daughter, I started working almost immediately. But not at my actual job. I was in Project Manager mode, trying to help put my step-mom’s life back together. Making phone calls and notifications into Social Security, the bank, credit card companies, contacting an Estate Attorney, setting up Memorial pages on Facebook…go, go, go……
I started putting the armor back on.
Let me tell you about my Dad for a second, and if you buy my book I want you to remember this part right here: He was the light in my life, my whole life. He was the risk taker–the do what you need to do to be happy person. He lived out loud and loudly. His laugh was infectious. He was the original “Sara doesn’t do anything Sara doesn’t want to do.” Except his name was Rick, not Sara. Some would say he had nothing. No life insurance, lived in a single wide trailer and had a beautiful custom broken Harley Davidson.
But this is how I see it: He died a VERY wealthy man. He has more friends that he calls family than anyone I have ever known. He has real biological family that has stepped in to love each other in the midst of this craziness. He always, ALWAYS had enough money to do the things he really wanted to do. He loved his Harley. Broken, not broken, didn’t matter, he loved it. And so did many others. It is a true work of art.
And he loved me completely.
My response to his death was to swoop in take care of the logistics, put my armor back on and return to work. I ignored and suppressed my feelings of pain, guilt and regret. In fact I was excited to go back to work until it occurred to me I was doing so to run and hide from my emotions.
I have been telling friends and family forever that the only things you will ever regret in this life are the risks you don’t take. That happiness doesn’t happen to you. You have to go out and grab it so that it happens by you, through you and as you. I needed to start living by my own advice.
I had already committed to my dear friend Kyle Cease to come to his event in July. Knowing all these other things were happening and not really believing my own words to him somehow I ended up there anyway. To date it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
While in LA at Kyle’s amazing event, I was surrounded by dozens of amazing motivational speakers and people changing their lives and living for the “right now”. These people understand that “right now” is all the time we really have……and they are all successful! They are living the way their heart wants them to and everyday is a new gift not a burden.
I spent the first few days of the conference on the edge of tears as I felt the armor being stripped away from myself. And when I had to talk to anyone I burst into tears and then stopped them out of my own embarrassment and concern for their discomfort.
Saturday night (end of Day 2) my husband and I drove out to the Santa Monica Pier. We were going to play, eat bad food and just enjoy the time together. Instead I stood on the pier crying as I was surrounded by couples and families doing the things I had planned to do. Not full on sobbing, just water constantly leaking from my face. My poor husband helpless and trying to help me. He kept asking “What can I do? What do you need? How can I help?”
“I need to get out of here.” Is what I told him as I stormed off the pier and out to the ocean. I marched myself all the way down to where the sand was wet and sat down. Daring the water to come get me. As I sat there I cried. No, not crying actually, sobbing. Still surrounded by couples and families enjoying themselves but less of them. And it was darker and easier for me to feel alone in this private moment I was having. I sat there observing these thoughts:
“I have to quit my job.”
“You cannot quit your job!”
“I have to quit my job.”
“You have bills to pay, child support to pay, shit to do! You cannot quit your job.”
“I have to quit my job. The universe tried to take my daughter, delivered a douchebag and then took my Dad. I have to quit my fucking shitting crappy job!”
“Okay….but first, what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to write. I’m going to tell my story.”
“Okay….before you do that, what do you love?”
“I love the ocean. I love my husband. I love my daughter. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my Mom. I love my Dad. I love my coworkers (most of them). I love my dogs. I love that I have air in my lungs and strong legs to carry me where I want to go.”
“You are lost and alone. You have no connections, these are not real.”
“I am lost and I do feel alone. Those connections are real. I wonder what Rob’s visualization house looked like?”
“It didnt look like your house. You are alone.”
“I bet it looked like my house! I bet it was on the island! I bet it didnt have a yard because I hate yard work! I bet it had goats and a barn and was near the water and we were happy in it as our future selves. I bet his house looked just like my house.”
At that moment I heard him say “we should go back to the hotel.” I stood up and he was literally standing right behind me the whole time. Somewhat angry because he thought I was mad at him. Still kind of crying I said “I have to quit my job.” And he said “okay.” I continued telling him “I have to quit my job, like now, not another day, hour or minute can I work there.” And he kept saying “okay.” Then I asked him “what did your house look like?”
“It was on the island. And shaded in madrona and pine trees. No yard out front with a red door and a barn with goats and a giant shop for me to do my woodworking.”
And just like that I was not only free from my job, I was right about his house, and I was connected, found and no longer alone. Now I was crying out of pure happiness! A few days before we were in Disneyland and I got on Splash Mountain knowing full well it was going to scare the shit out of me and it did. It took me 20 minutes to calm my nerves after we got off the ride. But that night on the pier…….we bought a ticket to ride the main roller coaster there AND we sat up front! The coaster was only supposed to loop twice, but on this night, it went 3 times. I was free!!!!
I have this one life–ONE life and I need to do something bigger with it. Something I love not what loves me.
When I got back to my hotel room that night, I texted Kyle and told him “I’m getting on the island and burning all the boats. I realized one of the things I have been so scared of is the judgement of others. This has actually been my life long weight. And I say all the time that I dont care what people think and I dont–I care about what I think. I’ve been judging myself in a negative ‘youre not good enough’ way. I have a meeting on Monday with my boss, our COO and a coworker stuck in ‘to me’. I’m supposed to come in with ideas for conflict resolution. Instead of going to that meeting–I’m going to quit. Pack my desk right then and there and go home to observe more thoughts. I may get back on a plane or in the car and come back down here to sit on the beach and write. And tell my story. And find my alignment. I blame you and thank you from the depths of my soul.”
Kyle wanted to open the day with this, but I had slept in and instead it ended up being what closed out the day and the whole weekend. The conference wasnt quite over yet, and someone else had the mic and was asking a question when Rob and I got up to head out to the airport. Kyle saw us and asked me to share my story with the audience.
I did this with zero stage fright! I hate talking in front of groups of people that know and love me and this is a room full of strangers and I’m OKAY! I shared my story of transformation and what happened to me on the beach the night before. To my astonishment, the audience was crying along with me and when I was done were on their feet applauding me. ME! I couldnt believe it!
Everything that happened after that was a whirlwind of greatness! I have 4 other job offers, a publisher possibility for my book and podcast invitations–all to tell my story. I had dinner with amazing people like Rhonda Britten and Glenn Morshower! I had lunch with Kelly Carlin! I met beautiful people with the most gorgeous souls I have ever encountered. I ate raw vegan food for days and LOVED it.
All of this amazing stuff was happening and I was still in LA because I missed my flight on Sunday. Still wasnt sure how I was going to get home or when, and wasnt really worried about that either. And I still needed to let work in on what was going on. I can quit all day long but until I notified them, I was technically still an employee and getting in hotter and hotter water with them each moment. As scary as that sounds, I wasnt really all that worried about the “trouble” I was in.
I couldve reached out to my boss and said I was sick, had the flu, shitting water out my ass, my dog died or any other “legit” excuse to miss work. Instead I approached her with some honesty. On Sunday night I told her I wasnt coming into work for the week. That everything was okay and I didnt want her to worry–in fact everything was amazing! I also said I didnt have any details to share and would reach out as soon as I did, but I wasnt coming in this week.
I expected “a” phone call. As in one. Maybe “an” email. I got 4 phone calls and 4 emails from my boss and my HR lady demanding really that I tell them why I’m not at work. Where I am and when I’m coming back. I thought I was pretty clear I didnt have any details but maybe not. I’m also sure I said I wasnt coming in the whole week. These are smart women–they know what to do with work when people are not around. When they are home sick or dealing with trauma. I know they know this because they’ve done it before for me and for many others. But for some reason they kept at me with the “I need to know” stuff. They dont actually need to know. It’s none of anyone’s business why I’m not at work except my own. If I had lied, this wouldnt be happening. But I offered up some truth and they couldnt handle it.
I want you to know I love and respect these women. My boss in particular. She is amazing! But she is also living in a world where she believes she has to have this job in order to call herself successful. She is her story. She is only her story is really more accurate.
My response to the barrage of emails and voicemails was this:
“Hi, I know I’m not out on pre-approved PTO. If it needs to be counted as anything please count it as mental health sick days. Or physical health–call it whatever you need to call it. The flu is fine too.
I had a massive meltdown in LA and am working through all that came with that. I’m a little irritated that I’m being pushed to share this because frankly it’s not anyone’s business but I am physically unable to be at work because I am not at home.
At this moment who is covering my accounts is insignificant in relation to the level of shit I have been trying to hold together and have finally let go. I need this time to put myself together so I can continue moving forward with my actual life.
My Dad’s passing has unearthed a much deeper loss than I thought even existed and I need the time and space to do that. Please just approve the PTO (or don’t) and leave me alone for the rest of the week. When I’m ready (and not a minute before) I will come in and talk to you first to offer an explanation.
This is the last email I am sending and I’m setting what I think are very clear boundaries. I ask that they please be respected.
Thank you,
Sara James
Their response was more fear. They shut of my connection to corporate email. Oh no!!! I already had it turned off on all my devices. Then it was I needed to have a doctor fill out FMLA paperwork or be prepared to face corrective disciplinary action on “Monday at 9am with HR.” They also made sure to hit my ego with the accusation that I was being disrespectful in my email. I had asked to be left alone, said I wouldnt be coming in for the whole week, promised details were coming when I had them, was then bombarded with emails and voicemails demanding answers……..and I was being disrespectful? How the fuck is that possible?
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