Ambassador Autobiography: Pivoting My Body Journey

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping women and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each woman where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping women to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, each spring we invite a select group of women to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we feature the story of another Brand Ambassador: Amy! She came to our studio for a Project Fan Girl session and while she expected to have a lot of fun, she didn’t think that it would change her life. Read on to learn how a photo session started a shift for her!

Questioning Compliments

“You’re beautiful!” These words vibrated throughout my body like a gong that had just been whacked with a 10G force. Why did those words make me so tense? 

Why was my first reaction to laugh? Why did I blurt out a sarcastic counterstatement? 

Why is it so hard to simply accept this compliment and say thank you? Why do I always try and wipe away that positivity?

Why can’t I accept that I’m beautiful?

Those wonderful words came as a full statement with no trailing “buts…”

 It wasn’t the first time I’ve heard that statement but the fact that nothing else followed them sent a visceral tremor throughout my body. Besides my husband, no one has ever said that phrase as a full sentence to me.

There was always a trailing “but” until I happened to lose over 200 pounds. 

Now that I’m thinner it happens all the time, but my mind still doesn’t believe it because of the 37 years of ending caveats. “Amy, you’re beautiful for a larger woman.”

“Amy, you’re beautiful but I’m worried about your health.”

“Amy, you’re beautiful, but are you happy?”

“Amy, you’re beautiful but… but… but…” The list goes on and on and said slightly different every time.

And what’s worse, I use these same kinds of caveats when thinking or speaking about my own beauty too!

But This Time…

But this time, there was no but.

And my mind and body didn’t know how to absorb that positivity.

It fought the battle like a master kung fu fighter.

My inner mean girl told me all the things I needed to push that positivity away. But Sara and Tiffany from Jezebel Von Zephyr said I was beautiful with no buts. How can that be?

I quipped back with “…but be careful of how you take photos of my legs.” All that sagging skin makes me unhappy. Their paraphrased response was “Your legs are beautiful; can we undress you out of your rainbow bright outfit? That would be amazing and sexy and beautiful!”

I, of course, said yes but internally my mind was wheeling and turning and fighting. It was thinking “go ahead” but I know those pictures will be awful and I’m not buying them. They’ll show off my awful thighs.

And yet, in true yin-yang, I remember the moments of laughter and joy and the revelry of my womanhood during that photo shoot.

I felt amazing, beautiful, and seen through the entire session.

My brain said “of course you feel amazing, but we’ll see when you get your photos. I’m sure some of those will show all your flaws. Enjoy it in the moment while you can, but remember you’re not pretty enough to buy ‘those’ kinds of pictures of yourself.”

Remembering & Reflecting

Despite my inner mean girl, I left my first session feeling amazing and on top of the world!

I was excited for my photo reveal, but it felt like I had to wait forever. While I waited, I remembered how pampered I was the day of my photo shoot. The first thing they did when I got there was to take “before” pictures. Tiffany then sat me down in her chair and worked magic on my hair and makeup. I looked so beautiful!

While Tiffany was doing magic, Sara was looking through my luggage full of stuff I brought for my Project Fan Girl session. She was oohing and awing over my favorite fandom outfits. She made some awesome outfits with the most amazing accessories and shoes!

That client closet is so awesome! I kept looking at all the client closet stuff and thinking, “oh next time I have the perfect outfit for that… and that… and that!” Oh man, there are too many great things that I kept envisioning what I would wear the next time! Seriously! I was already dreaming about my next photo shoot with them while I was still in the makeup chair!

My three hour session flew by so fast, and I was really bummed when it was done. I had such an amazing experience! I got to experience so many different set rooms and we were able to squeeze in all 5 fandom outfits!

One of my favorite moments was when all three of us were trying to squeeze my red Wonder Woman boots closed so that we could fully zip them up. It wasn’t happening but they both jumped in with squeezing and pinching and laughing all while we tried to get those dang boots zipped all the way up.

In the end, we didn’t get them fully zipped up, but I wore them anyway and Sara took such amazing photos that no one would even know the behind-the-scenes fun we had trying to make those boots work for those beautiful photos.

“Let’s Do This”

Another favorite moment was when I realized Sara picked out pasties for me to wear with my Harley Quinn outfit. I looked at them and was like “okay, let’s do this.”

I’d never worn pasties before and I thought well let’s see how this goes with my “Taco Tits”, my fond nickname for my droopy boobs. They’ve always been droopy but since losing 200 pounds they are now so deflated and droopy that I gave them a fun nickname as they are part of my amazing journey.

I came out of the changing area and Sara said “I thought you had never worn pasties before? You put those on perfectly, like a pro!” I just giggled because I really had never put pasties on before, but it made me feel good to know I put them on right.

My Harley Quinn photo set was so freeing! I felt so powerful and crazy, and it was thrilling to act out Harley’s style of sexy!

Finally Feeling Sexy & Sultry!

Speaking of sexy, I’ve never thought of myself as sexy.

Every time I “tried” to be sexy for my husband, I’ve always ended up laughing and being silly.

For the first time though, in this photo shoot, I felt sexy and sultry!

We had fun so there was lots of laughter but when it came time to pose, I owned the sensual woman I am and that felt amazing!

And I did end up buying all my photos and didn’t drop a single photo that Sara had taken.

I loved them all.

I knew I would look back at those photos and remember the positivity, love, pampering, and fun I had that day.

Tools For Change In My Journey

My photo shoot really got me thinking about my own body journey. For most of my life, I remember saying to anyone who had anything to say to me about my size and my health that “actually, I’m the healthiest fat person you probably know.”

But about six or seven years ago, my health started to decline. I could no longer use that argument for my size.

I sought bariatric surgery because my body was decaying. My health was going downhill with the velocity of an Olympic skier going full speed down a double black diamond. I didn’t go into surgery to get thinner. I chose it because desperately needed a tool to help me save my life!

At the same time, I thought it would be amazing to have the side effect of becoming thinner and more “beautiful” because of that thinness. Plus, pre-surgery my body hurt so much, and I was barely active, which made me sad.

I wanted to be active. I wanted to keep up with my extra energetic boys, but life was flying past me, and I was literally out of breath. My surgery changed all of that.

I worked my booty off (literally and metaphorically) to use the tool given to me to make changes. I have made significant physical changes to my body in the past five years, but I also started a journey to improve my emotional and mental health too.

I realized after losing all that weight that I still had mental and emotional trauma I needed to deal with. 

Moving Forward

In the past year, I have gained some weight since my lowest weight after surgery. My anxiety has been on the rise about regaining said weight.

And then I walked into Jezebel Von Zephyr!

My friend had recommended I do another photo shoot to document my body journey and internally I was thinking, “not yet…I gained some weight, and those pictures won’t be as great as before. Let me re-lose the weight that I regained first.”

My friend thoughtfully listened. Then my brain paraphrased her motivational response. I heard: “Just do it! They could be some of pictures on your journey because you’re not done yet, but don’t wait until you’re done. Capture the moments as you go. You’ll look back and be thankful you did.”

I left that conversation, looked up this Jezebel Von Zephyr photo studio, saw the variety of women they featured and what they stood for and then booked my fangirl photo session right then.

Of course, I was a little nervous, but mostly excited. I was excited to geek out in my fandom outfits and be me!

Choosing Myself

That photo session changed my perception of my body journey.

Sure, I’ve lost a ton of weight and I’m so proud of that! But my weight doesn’t define my happiness!

I can regain some weight and still love myself, be active, and enjoy life.

My weight and my body shape do not define what I get to choose for my life anymore!

I am me and I will always be me and my body is something to be adored and marveled at in all its glorious beauty!

And not only is my body worth all that, so is yours! Everyone is amazing and beautiful just as you are, and everyone should love the skin they are in because of all the magical things it allows us to do each and every day!

So, from my heart to yours, please know that you are loved and seen, and you are amazing and beautiful just as you are! Just like me, YOU are more than enough just as you are!

Does Amy’s story strike a chord with you? Are you on a journey of self-discovery and thinking about documenting it along the way? Or perhaps you don’t even know how to begin such a journey or relationship with your body?

Wherever you are in your journey Jezebel VonZephyr is here to help, support, and uplift you! We can help you start a new chapter in your story or empower you to rewrite old tales that you tell yourself. Come see yourself through our lens of love. We can’t wait to welcome you in!