Ambassador Autobiography: Comments, Crash Diets, and Taking It Day to Day

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of helping women and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each woman where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping women to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, each spring we invite a select group of women to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we hear from Jaymee about her journey. What was growing up like? What is her relationship with her body? Let’s find out! (Please note that there is talk of disordered eating in this story, so practice self-care if this is a trigger for you, lovely reader.) 

Baby Fat & Love

When asked what my journey with my body or what my relationship is with my body, I never know how to answer.  I think that I needed to get to the core and the root of it to see where my relationship with my body is today and why it is that way, which is why I’m sharing my story and why I chose to become a Brand Ambassador.

I came into this world to a teen mom who didn’t know how to be a mom and chose addiction, so she left to have my grandmother raise me. Grandma was always the MVP and always the glue that held the family together. 

I grew up in Bakersfield, California, eating southern fried food and downhome cooking with a lot of fat and love. I don’t recall a time ever that I didn’t have my “baby fat” tummy. You know the one: the little round, cute, pudgy belly. It’s cute when you are 3-7 but then things change a bit. 

Shame at an Early Age

My earliest memory of anything being “wrong” with my body was at the ripe age of 8. My cousin and I were more like sisters growing up and always spent summers, weekends, holidays and everything together. She comes from a “slimmer” family. My aunt, her mom, was thin and so was her dad. 

We were at Von’s grocery store on a hot Bakersfield day, picking up some stuff on the way to swim at her grandma’s place. Swimsuits, flip slips and shorts were the uniform of that moment. My cousin looked at me and asked her mom “Mom, why does Jaymee still have a fat tummy?”

At that moment, I saw it: I was fat and she was not. 

Looking back on it, my aunt could have made it a teachable moment, but she didn’t. Yay, more trauma. She simply said “Some people never lose their fat.” and kept walking. Chapter closed.

All I Wanted…

I went through the rest of my childhood just knowing that I was always going to have a tummy. I come from a long line of curvy women. I grew up in the 90’s and was a teen in the early 2000’s when thin was in. Curvy was not a term, it was not glamourized or normal standard. 

When I was in 8th grade, I woke up going from flat chested to C-cups overnight. I still had my little belly but now that my breasts came in, the belly was not as noticeable and I was getting attention from guys. 

Little did I know that this would not be the kind of attention that you want, especially at that age. I was sexually harassed by a classmate at that age. From that point on, I tried wearing big shirts in order to hide the fact that I had giant boobs for my age. 

It didn’t work. 

I was still getting this attention, which turned me into a sexually active child. I had a male at the age of 15 tell me I would be “so much hotter if I lost 10 pounds.” This led me to trying an eating disorder. 

I would starve myself hoping it would work. All I wanted to be was skinny and hot.

All the skinny girls fit in and had boyfriends, not the ones that just wanted to sleep with you.

Things We Tell Our Younger Selves

I spent all of junior high trying to be skinny and in. It never worked. Looking back at it–what the hell?!

The fact that I would place my worth in that–insane! 

The things that we tell our younger selves, right? 

In high school, I still always viewed myself as larger than everyone else and in reality I was normal. I was a size 9. I wanted to be a 5 though.

Society said I should be a 5. I never had anyone in high school make me feel a certain way about how I looked or how much I weighed. I went to a very small, private high school and I think that is a good thing, considering what I experienced in middle school.

Baggy Clothes and Boyfriends

My senior year, I had a serious boyfriend who was overweight. It never crossed my mind, not even once. I loved him for him and he loved me for me, “rolls” and all. When you are in a relationship with someone “bigger” than you, you especially do not notice.

We were into cars back then, circa the first Fast and the Furious movie. We went to hot import nights where most ladies attending were pretty scantily clad. I decided that I wanted to fit that mold and decided to wear faux leather leggings and a tight white tee shirt. I looked cute, not over the top, just enough. 

We headed down to the convention center and I held my head high and walked in. We were not even there for 45 mins when I overheard some girls talking about me and how I was way too chubby to be wearing that. I was a size large in juniors but in their eyes, I was way too fat to be doing that. Back to baggy clothes it was for me. 

I was crushed yet again.

Comments and Crash Dieting

At that time I was also working at WalMart and putting myself through tech school. This led to more body hatred and more crash diets and pills. I had a few women over time come through my line and ask when I was due. 

One lady stuck out to me the most. I was ringing her through and she asked when I was due. I looked at her and let her know that I was not expecting.

She looked at me and instead of apologizing for her rudeness, she told me I shouldn’t stand the way I was, it made me look pregnant. (I was a size 10 at this point.)

I started taking hydroxycut after this (when it had ephedrine in it). I can recall standing at work, shaking and starving because my heart rate was so high and I was not eating. I wasn’t losing weight either.

I met my now husband right after high school. He had only dated a woman who was super into fitness and very fit. The total opposite of me. I was a whopping 160 pounds when we met. Not fat, but in my head, I was not thin enough for him.

I started working out with him every day but it wasn’t making me happy. I love food, I don’t love working out. I started crash diets, limiting all kinds of foods and simply not eating and lying about it. I came clean because no matter what I did, the weight never came off. I was stagnant and done.

Pregnancy, Depression, and Its Affects On My Body

When I got pregnant with my son, I gained 30 pounds. I lost it all pretty quickly with no complications except that awesome fupa he left me with. This is also the time that I became the most anxious mess to walk the earth. I was put on meds that made me gain 40 pounds. I still have it today.

I went into a dark deep depression and remained at 200 pounds. I am not depressed as much as I once was, but I have to take daily medication. Along with that comes weight gain. I can’t shake it. 

At one point my Dr. told me I could gain weight and not be depressed or be depressed all the time. Well sir, gaining weight does make me depressed. I have tried but I also realize that life is short and I love carbs, sweets and iced coffee with a lot of cream.

Taking it Day by Day

My relationship with my body today is a day by day accomplishment. There are days when I look in the mirror and think that I am hot and other days, I am a giant blob. I receive compliments from loved ones and friends asking me if I have lost weight or commenting on how skinny I look. I don’t see it. I just smile and thank them. I hope to one day be able to see and find the beauty in myself that others do.

I stopped working out years ago. It wasn’t making me happy. It felt like a chore and I was not losing any weight. I know there are so many other reasons to work out but for me it was always to get skinny. That was what was always put into my head. I do practice yoga but it is more for my mental health. The added bonus of it making my body stronger is rad, but that is not my soul purpose anymore.

I want to be able to wear the crop top and not give two shits about what someone else thinks. My body shouldn’t be anyone else’s business other than mine or my husbands’. Unfortunately because of past comments and trauma, I am now seeing why my relationship with my body is the way that it is. So I take things day by day. 

Do parts of Jaymee’s story resonate with you? Did you experience a comment as a child that stuck with you? Or maybe you received societal messages that have affected your journey? Whatever your relationship with your body is, Jezebel VonZephyr is here to help.

We want to help you see yourself through a lens of love. What’s stopping you from starting a new chapter in your life?

What would your journey look like if you prioritized yourself? Take the first step today. Who knows–perhaps you’ll be telling a new story about yourself in the near future!