Meet Loni!

Every April we seek a new Brand Ambassador team for Jezebel VonZephyr. We look for women that represent our wide client base. Women that want to grow and want the same for others. Women that seek to build others. Women that want the same transformative experience they had at our studio for their friends.

Last but definitely not least we meet Loni! We think you’ll identify with her story about redefining and making peace with the idea of perfection. Scroll down to hear her journey!

“About a decade ago, a girl I know did a pin-up themed boudoir shoot for her husband, who was away with the military. I remember seeing those photos and thinking dreamily that I’d love to do that someday. She looked sexy, and confident in bright colors and retro shapes on a bright white backdrop. I’d just had two babies back to back and was the sole financial support for our household at the time, so it didn’t even seem like an option to my then-self. Plus, I’d want to be perfect first. That’s the goal, the beast that has haunted me for my whole life: perfection. The word exists, so it must be attainable, right?

The trouble with perfection-seeking is that to feel like something is perfect, it almost seems like it has to be the best-over any other. You have to be good at something before you can be perfect, right? You must need to be innately talented to be a perfectionist, right? There must be no flaws in a plan for it to be perfect, right? And that’s the basis of how the beast perfection has held me back from things for much of my adult life. Not the beast of having perfection but lacking perfection.

Lack of perfection kept me in relationships that didn’t feed my soul, in jobs that had no space for advancement, in places that I never wanted to take root. It’s made me feel like I shouldn’t show off things I do and shouldn’t spend time on things I’d like to do. It’s fed an unhealthy body image and put me on a routine of running off more calories than I was trying to intake with multiple gym visits per day.

Despite this, though, I would slowly overcome things and make changes to try to live a good life with my children. My friends would run interference on crazy diets I’d imposed on myself. People would see worth in me I didn’t think I had. And somehow, all along, I’d have a sense of self-assurance. I may not have been perfect at anything, but I was always sure I was growing in the right ways-even when it hurt. My heart is and was generally in the right place, and I’m open to change when there’s a better way. And sometimes it really does seem like stars align and things go right, just because they do.

Fast forward to 2017. I’m living in Seattle. I’m in a relationship: my favorite of any of them I’ve tried. We are trying to get pregnant–on purpose! People do that. I have a good job that I enjoy. I’m allowing myself some self-care and participating in activities that are just for my enjoyment. I’m in the depths of processing many experiences I’ve wandered through without processing. Nothing is perfect but I’m somehow slightly less prone to seek perfection and more into living my life. With a sense of practicality, I’d assess this time as a high point in my life.

I have another friend who did a boudoir shoot. Hers is moodier, she’s wearing a sweater a’la Freddie Kreuger and surrounded by records. I mean, these photos embody not only sex, but also an individual’s personality. And the studio is owned by her friend who I met at a Christmas party. The studio name is Jezebel Von Zephyr. Interesting name; I log it away in my memory with the tag the idea had originally held: someday.

In the funny way that it seems to work, the stars aligned for me to step foot into Jezebel VonZephyr. It wasn’t an idea at the front of my mind at all on the day when I responded to a Facebook post stating that I believe both veterans of war and refugees of war deserve safety and a roof over their heads. The original poster disagreed. The original poster would maintain that it could only be one or the other, and I wasn’t allowed to share my thoughts because the original posters opinion was not up for debate. Now, because my heart was in the right place, and I know I can change my opinion when I’m presented with better information, I’d like to think everybody is capable like that. On this particular day, and this particular post, I was wrong. I was called a lot of things, but the one that stood out was “Jezebel.” I’d never been called that before, and never since. I was linked religious videos about overcoming the Jezebel spirit. It was strange. But it pulled from my logged memories the photo studio that did boudoir photos.

Chuckling to myself, I posted a query on of my own on Facebook, one absolutely looking for responses: I wanted to know if I had any girlfriends who could help me with some bravery and go for boudoir photos so I could embrace my status as a Jezebel. To my delight, a lot of women responded, including Sara, the owner of Jezebel Von Zephyr, and by the next day a group of six women had committed to get together for a photo shoot. These were all women I know, but I hadn’t necessarily known them all together. Their support, and their willingness to live boldly were invigorating. It was exciting to plan these outfits. We would each do solo photos and some group photos as well. It was exciting because I knew I was pregnant and hadn’t made the information public yet. By the time our shoot rolled around, I was showing a little. Enough that the first panty set I bought for the shoot would no longer fit. Enough that after a meal, there was no mistaking my body’s state. Enough that I didn’t feel as sexy in my body as I had a few months earlier, but not enough that it could be considered a maternity shoot. It wasn’t perfect. And still it was fun. We had the six women in photos plus four behind the scenes. That day I assessed that half were introverts and half were extroverts. Three boisterous personalities, and three softer voices in our photos. I watched as each personality changed into their different sexy outfits, showing off who they were.

There was a vintage nighty, a biker jacket, a fan girl outfit, an artistic venture, a boyfriend’s band tee, and my grandmother’s necklace paired with baby-daddy’s hat. Each woman had her personality shining in her photos, in front of the ring light, onto the magic red sofa, and I’m telling you: it was perfect. Not perfect like an airbrushed magazine model, but perfect in that the beauty I recognize in them every time I see them was glowing on them during their shoots. Because perfection isn’t necessarily that unattainable thing that creates comparisons or keeps us in our places.

In our photo shoot that day, there was the presence of practical perfection. This is the perfection that comes with being a person you’re happy with and presenting it, and shows up when you’re surrounding yourself with people you’re happy around. The perfection that a woman is when she’s encouraged and empowered. Walking into the studio for our shoot, we hadn’t coined ourselves the Girl Gang yet. In fact, I didn’t know we’d been coined the Girl Gang until I went to my reveal. I was also informed I’d been labeled “the instigator.” I couldn’t disagree. I’m so grateful this group of women came together under such a comical premise for such a fierce experience. I’m pretty sure that without them I wouldn’t have just decided to go on my own. Even with the Girl Gang, I was still a little shy, a little myself, a little too aware of my imperfection. The photos turned out so fantastic, even though I was still a little reserved in the shoot itself. I was giddy and nervous to give my partner photos of myself, wearing his hat that he didn’t know I’d borrowed.

Because of that opportunity we took together, I joined the Jezebel VonZephyr Facebook group and have fallen in love with that community of women. These women are owning their imperfections, owning their sexy, shouting support for each other every day. It’s easy to see any one of these women and admire them for who they are. After having a baby past age thirty, I’m still struggling with the beast of perfection. I’m grappling with the way my body has changed and the fear that it may never change back. With the ebb and flow of life, several of the life-highs I was experiencing two years ago have dipped to lows. It’s never really easy to accept the lows when you’ve enjoyed the highs. But experiencing the lows frames my perspective of perfection differently. Maybe I can’t attain perfection. It’s not practical. But I can enjoy some practical perfection, the kind that comes from small joys, and I acknowledged that in my current state of imperfection I’d wanted to stop back in a Jezebel Von Zephyr again, this time by myself with the comfort of knowing the ladies in the studio from my previous visit, and understanding their business mission.

I applied to be a BA having seen the work the previous BA’s had done and knowing that I needed that for myself. I had to go for a session without the imaginary hope of someday perfection, and to crack a smile in my photos. I went for a Soul2Soul all by myself and even though I was there for several hours, it was over in a flash. Even though I weigh more now than at my first session, I was comfortable to bear more skin, show off a little more. I credit that to the body positivity I’ve found within the Belles groups. I think I could be just as giddy and nervous to give my partner racier, more playful photos of me now as I was to give him photos of me then. That’s good growth. That’s practical perfection.”