Negative Thoughts

26 Mar Negative Thoughts

I’m supposed to be editing images right now. But like most mornings I found myself sucked into Facebook for a few minutes first and I came across this post from Dove with a new ad campaign about the things we say to ourselves. Being a fan of Dove’s previous work with #BodyPositivity, I was curious about what they’ve cooked up.

This ad had me in tears. Tears. Not quite a full-on ugly cry, but a shameful silent cry. Because this is every woman’s story, mine included. I wasn’t going to share this till after it happened, but here goes…. I have a boudoir shoot coming up on April 9th, for myself. My team is stepping in to give me my signature package (The Sparkling Diamond) so I can also experience what my clients do. I did a boudoir session once before a few years ago, and although it was very fun, it absolutely wasn’t anything like the sessions we offer to our clients.

So like so many of you, I’m currently going through the shopping phase of all of this. I’m digging in my drawers and pulling aside what I like, what I think will work…..and almost nothing fits because I have gained about 20lbs in the last year and a half that wasn’t important enough to me to do anything about. And quite honestly, I don’t know that they’re that important now……however…I feel it. I feel the weight slow me down here and there. I notice it when I play with my dog or when I work in the yard with my husband. I tire easier than I should. My solution to this every time is better foods and more movement. But yesterday, while I was at the mall having my phone repaired I wandered into a few stores to try on some jeans and some lingerie. I will tell you this, the first thought I had when I walked into the first dressing room yesterday was “Your out shopping for jeans and lingerie!??!? It’s like the two worst shopping trips there are ever. Throw in a swimsuit and we can have a surely terrible day!” A larger size (doesn’t matter what it is) than I have ever even thought about trying on was too small at the waist. Here come the thoughts (“Whoa! You need to do something about yourself!”)……but they fit perfectly in the legs (“That looks good! My ass looks great! Why don’t they fit in the waist!?!?! Because that is where you gain all your weight always.”).  So as I reach for the next size up……..”Are you fucking kidding me??!?!? Good grief, you’ve really done it this time, here we go…”. And they fit in the waist. But the legs and my ass looked terrible. The stretch of fabric from my belly pooch to the top of my thigh was particularly unflattering. They looked like “mom jeans”. It was awful. Then I noticed they were “Junior Plus” sizes and somehow that stupid label made it somewhat better in my head. Because when you’re a teenager and you weigh 200lbs you’re somehow slimmer than “woman’s world” 200lbs. Stupid.

Onto the next store…tried on a few pairs of pants that were okay, but I didn’t love them and mostly because of the fit, not at all with my body. The leather pants I tried on were okay, and I put them in the “maybe” pile.  The lingerie, however, was a different story. I see larger women in the studio all the time in bra and panty sets and they look amazing. It was crazy to me that while standing in a bra and garter belt set I couldn’t see the amazing in myself, but I did try. Instead, I was focused on 18-year-old stretch marks, muffin top, splotchy skin and somehow my head looked really small on my larger body.

Onto the one piece corset/garter combo…..It was black and sheer on the sides and down the middle was black satin with black polka dots on it. Super cute, very retro….but the damn thoughts.

“Oh the muffin top loves this one….look at it hanging out and proud”

“Why is your head so small for your fat body?”

“What happened to the skin on your arms?”

“Seriously, woman, you need to shave your legs!”

What the hell is going on here?!?!?!?!? Self-depreciation is what’s going on here and it had to stop ASAP. So I got dressed, purchased the leather pants that fit pretty well and went to pick up my phone and I let the whole experience go.

Because I cannot carry this kind of negativity around with me. It’s bad for everyone. It’s bad for my husband, it’s terrible on my sex life, it’s bad for my business and most importantly, it’s bad for me. It hurts me to talk to myself that way.

When I woke up this morning, I pulled on my fleece pajamas and took my dog out. It’s a beautiful bright crisp sunny day here today and I love it! When I came back in I was too hot and pulled my top off and walked into the kitchen (yes, topless) to make coffee and breakfast for my husband before he left for work. The sun was coming through the windows and warming me and it struck me to take a selfie because maybe I looked as cute as I felt. And turns out I did!

I managed to make a full recovery from the trauma of the dressing room that quite honestly I had totally forgotten about until I saw the Dove commercial this morning. Because the negative talk sometimes is SO NORMAL you forget it even happens. It becomes part of what you do when you go to buy clothes.  #OneBeautifulThought reminded me of the thoughts I had yesterday and why it’s so important to be conscious of them. To recognize when these things happen and use different words. Have a different conversation with yourself about who you are because you are always going to be more than a number in a pair of pants.