Ambassador Autobiography: Do 60 Year Olds Really Do This?!?

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of connecting with womxn and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each womxn where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping womxn to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, we invite a select group of womxn to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we hear from Ellen, who’s experienced some major life changes thanks to her decision to do a Jezebel photo shoot. We’ll turn it over to her, so she can tell about her life and body journey. 

DO 60 YEAR OLDS DO THIS SORT OF THING?

Booking a boudoir session was something I always wanted to do…but it seemed too outrageous. I reasoned, though, that if I looked bad I just would not order any pictures. That way at least I could say I tried something new. I really was not expecting anything else. I thought maybe I’d end up with a few pictures to give my husband for our anniversary. Oh, and my bestie was standing next to me egging me on if I am being totally honest. 

Going into my session I honestly thought of canceling several times before I actually showed up. I mean, what womxn fast approaching 60 does this sort of thing? 

I am getting older – I rely on cool clothes to hide my fat belly and the imperfections of age that I see on my face. While I was going to take some of my favorite cosplay (since it was a Project Fan Girl session) I usually wear support garments underneath so everything looks flat. But to pose with nothing under my corset – could I do that? I didn’t even tell my husband about my session until the last minute since I was worried he would tell me it looked like I was trying too hard. (Spoiler alert: he most certainly did not). 

At my first session I was scared – would they judge me? I rethought all of my life decisions as I walked up the stairs to the studio. (Also my swords were heavy. 🙂) But once I got in there, though, I saw so many body types represented on the walls. Tiffany and Sara started playing music they knew I would like. 

 Then we started talking – and giggling. 

And then I saw how they were putting my outfits together with items from the client closet. They started posing me, commenting on looks we were coming up with, while subtly hiding my personal insecurity spots – I started to feel joyful! It was like a fantasy with friends I had just met. I was sorry when the session was over – it was so much fun! As a matter of fact it was so much fun that I went back for a second session less than a year later.

I felt giddy after my session. Seriously. I walked out of there feeling so positive about myself!

I felt so positive about myself I started to make other subtle changes. I started buying clothes based on how I felt in them – like lacy undies and cute backless dresses that I could not wear a bra under. I also stopped saying things like “I am cute for a fluffy old lady”. 

Don’t get me wrong – I still get frustrated with how I look or what my body is doing. Currently I am dealing with a new medical diagnosis: autoimmune hepatitis along with several side issues. This is a life-changing issue for me. But I know I can feel great in my skin. This knowledge has convinced me, a counselor, to find someone to talk to so I can regularly feel solid in my skin. It is changing how I think about myself as I age. 

The pictures I have from both sessions remind me that a cute badass lives in my skin. I do need those reminders from time to time right now, but it is worth it.

A CUTE GIRL AND FLUFFY TEEN

When I was a child I thought I was cute! I was always a little tall for my age, but my hair was very long–it was my pride and joy. However, in 6th grade I started developing before everyone else. I was the only girl on period watch for 6th grade camp and everyone knew it. It was the only time I passed for older than I was. (I was passing for 15 when I was 10 years old).

Thought it was fun to be thought of as cute when I was 10 I wanted to be sexy At 16 or 17, not cute! I stopped growing at 11, so I was just “fluffing out” in my teen years. I was a 36DD, pretty curvy and cute. So I started flirting with guys from other schools when I was away at debate tournaments. 

The guys I had known since 6th grade might see me as a sister, but to guys at other schools I was smart and a little mysterious. And I dressed cool – I called my look “tailored hippy”: bell bottoms, gypsy shirts, and the highest wood-soled clogs I could get away with. (It was the late 70’s after all.) I decided that I could dress myself up and emphasize my artistic talents and people might see me differently than just the cute chick. Then people would find me attractive despite what my body looked like. 

Marriage and My Body

My relationship to my body changed as a young adult. I got married at 23 and we moved away immediately since my starter husband was in the army. He would always say he married me for my brains so he could have me make him look smart. But I was fat (I gained 100 pounds during that marriage) and I was lucky he didn’t cheat on me. Those were dark, dark times. 

Luckily, he got stationed overseas and once we were separated I realized what I was stuck in. Then I started losing weight – losing his sorry 138 pounds of asshole was the first step! I didn’t lose all the weight I’d gained in that relationship, but it got me started. 

But I still had issues of seeing myself as fat and thinking that I was not built to be sexy. Several bad relationships cemented that. Luckily I’m in a better spot romantically than before. My current hubs of 22 years (27 together) has helped me a lot. In the last 15 years my body has failed me due to health issues, so our relationship is still in process. But it is better! 

Pre-Session Processing

Reflecting on my relationship with myself and my body right before my session I realize that I was terrified. I had just turned 59.

What if the photos showed my fat belly? What if my inner fantasy looked like a chunky grandma? What if hubs realized I was not as hot as he thinks I am when he see the pictures? 

But I was also excited. I brought my favorite costumes from my fandoms (pirate stuff and Star Wars). Once again I relied on my clothes to give me confidence. I love these outfits and worked hard to create them so I decided to rely on those. And then Sara and Tiffany started playing and I forgot the fear and let go!

STORIES I’VE TOLD MYSELF

I’ve told myself a lot of stories about who I am and how my body looks: I am heavy/fat. 

I look old. 

That illness and time has made my body less attractive or a failure. 

I am working on telling (and believing) different stories. True story: my husband has one of my pirate pics as his screensaver. (All my bits are covered, but barely. 😊) He was working on a program at his theater and his screen saver was projected on the 16 foot screen for a moment. Everyone started hooting and asking him to put it back. It took me a moment to realize it was me! I was that hot pirate princess! I literally went home and ordered new underwear because that hot chick deserved pretty underwear. 

I am not in that great headspace every day, but I am there much more than in the past. I am truly trying to question all these beliefs as a 60th birthday present to myself. I can be a hot senior citizen!

GIVING MYSELF GRACE

Since my session I’ve been doing some work to better connect to myself and my body. I’m working with a counselor to address my feelings of inadequacy. I am a counselor myself, but after feeling good for a few hours I wanted to see how to extend that feeling. 

I have been working on giving myself grace, reframing my views about myself, and realizing I am truly myself and not a character that I put on in public. On a deep level this gave me a push to seek out answers to some medical issues which most likely has saved my life. There are also fun ways that it helped, but taking my health seriously may have extended my life.

OVERCOMING DISCOMFORT

My new connection with my body is showing up in different ways. On the surface, I have been dressing differently. I do have a style, but I aimed to make it age appropriate. Now I find myself saying fuck it – I buy what makes me happy! 

On another level, I am always worried that I come off as the old lady of the group – many of my friends and my husband are at least 5 years younger than I am. Sometimes I worry that I stick out. And the number 60 is a tough one to swallow! My body is fluffy, getting a little wrinkled, and not as thin as I used to be. I am working on seeing that not negative, but it is a work in progress.

When I encounter body discomfort I look at my locs. I was a little hippy child in the 60s, so getting my mermaid dreadlocks was the achievement of a dream of over 50 years. It sounds silly but seeing those in my hair makes me happy.

I also try to remind myself that I have survived a lot of setbacks and disasters and I am still here smiling. It may be forced smiles at times, but I can at least generate that much. 

I also give myself permission to cry or be upset. I may not do it in front of people, but I do allow myself to give that feeling space so then I can deal with it and move forward. It is an exercise my wonderful counselor has had me practice and it really does work for me.

Connections and Community

I applied to be a Brand Ambassador because  I love the positivity that I feel from all of JVZ’s pictures. Shape is meaningless, the joy in everyone’s faces is everything. 

And the BA’s have built such a wonderful support system! It’s like having lifelong friends that I have not met in person, but look forward to talking to every single day!  I want to see other womxn also experience that joy.

Being a part of the Jezebel community and serving as a Brand Ambassador has helped me so much.  I love the connection between the six womxn who have never met in person. 

We reach out to help each other, praise each other, experience each other’s joy and struggles.  That to me is beauty – if you can make someone feel joy their face just lights up!  That reinforces that happiness can make you feel beautiful and that is what people will see. 

I want more womxn to have a Jezebel boudoir experience. Spoil yourself!  

Allow yourself to feel spoiled, to feel waited on, to work with people that love their work and are thrilled to make you the center of that work. 

It gives you a little twinkle that will last long after the sitting is done.  You may also feel so pretty that you buy yourself butterfly lace undies (yes, I did) or a sexier dress just because (yeah, did that too).  If nothing else you know you have that little secret side of you and it will give you a smile during the day.  Who deserves that more?

Thank you, Ellen, for being so vulnerable and honest! Your story is one that surely resonates with many people. If you find yourself connecting to Ellen’s journey and wanting to do something for yourself, we invite you to book a session with us.

Why not let your secret side out for a day? What not treat yourself to something fun, exciting and new?