Ambassador Autobiography: Bringing Out My Inner Beauty

As a boudoir studio, Jezebel VonZephyr has the honor of connecting with womxn and hearing their incredible stories. We meet each womxn where she’s at in her journey and give her unconditional love and support with the hope that she’ll take a step or two further on her personal journey of growth and self-acceptance. Helping womxn to step into their light and shine is one of the things we love doing the most! 

As a part of our mission to empower and inspire, we invite a select group of womxn to become Jezebel Brand Ambassadors and share their stories of growth, self-love and acceptance. Each of them has grown throughout their time with Jezebel VonZephyr and every one of them has a unique and powerful story to tell. 

Today we feature Jessica, who found JVZ through Emerald City Comic Con and decided to take the leap with a Project Fan Girl session! She got much more than she originally expected. Read on to hear about her journey. 

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

I decided to book my initial Jezebel session because I wanted to take  a step outside of my comfort zone. I had wanted to do a boudoir photoshoot for a long time, but was struggling to take that first step. Others had recommended photographers they had been to, but Jezebel Von Zephyr team was so personable; they  encouraged me to do this for myself and no one else. 

I almost missed out on this experience. I was going to pass by their booth at ECCC, but something told me to investigate what they were selling. 

Going into my session I was nervous–I consider myself to be a private person. The only people that I let myself be 100% vulnerable with are my husband and health care professionals. During my planning session, the JVZ team helped me to flush out my ideas for my shoot and provided insight about what would work best and adjusted concepts to best fit their studio. One of my close friends went shopping with me for lingerie for the themes I had planned. It was so much fun to share this with her. 

Nervous But Supported 

I was SO nervous at first when I first went to the studio.

Revealing myself in front of strangers was a terrifying concept. 

Sara and Tiffany were so supportive and uplifting. They helped me delve into myself and my sexuality. I spent the day geeking out with the two of them and discussing my insecurities.  It was nothing they hadn’t heard before, but it meant a lot to me.

After my session was over, I felt sad that the day had to end. I left with more confidence in my body as it was. On my way home, I stopped and visited my sister. She didn’t quite understand what I had done and why, but she supported me. My husband was, of course, excited for me.

My own excitement spilled out into my day-to-day life. The experience had been liberating. When my reveal day came, I was blown away by the magic Sara and Tiffany had done, bringing out my inner beauty. 

My Mom’s Personal Barbie

My twin sister and I were always lumped together growing up. Around 3rd or 4th grade, I decided that I didn’t want to look like my sister anymore. I wanted to be my own person. We were still compared to each other all the time. 

I was always taught to act like a young lady. I was to always be mindful of how I sat, dressed, and acted. As a child, I was my mother’s “Barbie Doll” and would let her play with my hair and play dress up.  

I saw girls my age wearing training bras and wearing makeup. My mother never really let me play with makeup. She hated those cheap makeup kits. I had to wear my hair up on a braid almost everyday to help keep lice away. 

I remember one Halloween a local business had some older guy trying to drum up business by being out with a microphone commenting on people’s costumes. I was around 7 or 8 years old and dressed as a ballerina. I don’t remember what the man said about my costume, but I think he had sexualized me in it; not that I was even old enough to understand whatever he had said, I know it made me feel uncomfortable. 

Trying to Find Myself as a Teen

As I grew up, I always kept an eye on my figure. I would eat fairly healthy; eating “Jessica Sized Portions” as my family would call it. I was never the skinniest, but I did try to be mindful of my figure. I would try to compare myself to Marilyn Monroe–she was considered a beauty icon and she was a size 14.  

I watched the show “What Not to Wear” and tried to learn tips on how to dress. I started to shift my wardrobe to be more girly; trying to get away from jeans and t-shirts. I would constantly feel out of place and like the odd one out. I still wore my hair in a ponytail, as I had been “classically conditioned” to keep my hair pulled back. 

I would also try to hide my body when in the locker room for gym class. I needed to hide my body, because my mother had taught me to be modest. My parents always made the joke about not dating until I was married or until I was 35. 

I related more to the weird and nerdy girls that I would see on TV, never the preppy girls. When I dressed girly, I would still feel out of place, like I was wearing a mask or a costume, even with my prom dresses. I mostly wore princess style dresses and felt like a balloon. 

My breasts had grown large, and I really didn’t know what to do with them. I remember one of my dresses had removable spaghetti straps. My mother told me to keep them on, but I removed them once I got to the dance. At  my senior prom, I was supposed to wear a strapless bra, which was completely useless since they never stayed up, so I ended up not wearing one at all. It was hard figuring out what styles I liked that worked for me. 

Figuring Out Myself and My Style

As a young adult I finally decided that women’s fashion was ridiculous. There is no consistent sizing in womens fashion, so why worry.

My self worth is not related to a number on a tag. 

When I met my future husband, I had more of a reason to dress up because I wanted to look nice for him. I started to feel more comfortable in my skin thanks to his constant support because I knew that he found me attractive. His opinion of my body, other than my own, was the only one that mattered. I could open up to him and truly be myself. He has been with me through my body journey. 

On that journey I did a dietary detox and rapidly lost weight. I knew deep down that my size had no relation to my self worth, but to finally be skinny, and be comfortable enough to wear a mini skirt or a bikini was so freeing. I even met a photographer who used me as inspiration for her first photoshoot after moving to the PNW. It was so exciting! I never followed through with any kind of modeling afterwards, but it was so much fun to dress up! 

During that detox, I learned that I had gallstones. I managed my symptoms through diet for about a year. When I finally had enough of managing my pain, I had my gallbladder removed. I was finally able to eat things that I had not been able to and started to gain weight again. When I was skinnier, I began wearing more form fitting clothes and showing my skin more. I still prefer to wear these types of clothes, but I mostly wear jeans and tees. My goal now is comfort over fashion.

Reflecting on my relationship with my body before my session I realize that I felt comfortable in my skin. I had few complaints about my body. My husband, like I mentioned earlier, has been with me throughout my body journey, and is my biggest supporter. 

I still had moments of insecurity when I looked in the mirror. I don’t like my butt and I have a tendency to pick at scabs, leaving scars all over my body. I just think about how my husband looks at me and I remind myself that I am beautiful. I was still nervous about undressing in front of strangers, but over the years, I had been working on my self-confidence, especially keeping in mind the context of a situation. At the doctor, I am probably too forthcoming, but they need to know everything to properly treat me. At the gym, I care less about other women seeing my naked body, but I still try to be modest. With the Jezebel team, they see naked women everyday, why hide? Not to say I wasn’t nervous about undressing, but I felt I could be comfortable with them.

Stories I Tell Myself

I have a lot of stories I tell myself that I believe, but I’m realizing they aren’t all necessarily true, now that I’m on this Brand Ambassador journey I’m re-examining them. 

One of the stories is that I must be myself, but since I am a twin, I should also look like my sister. 

I also find it interesting that the beauty industry pressures women into diet and weight loss, but at the same time, they tell us to love ourselves and the skin that we are in. Torrid, for example, is a great place for finding clothes for plus sized women, but even they cater to the “Size Zero” Mentality. And they’re practically promoting the hourglass figure. 

I was taught to be modest and to be aware of how I presented myself and my body. I tried to remain reserved in my wardrobe, and even my personal relationships. I reserved my first kiss, my first dance, and my body for my first boyfriend.

All of these are stories that I’m looking more deeply into and questioning as a Brand Ambassador. 

Connecting Meaningfully to Myself

Since my session, I’ve been doing some internal work to connect more meaningfully with myself. When I see myself in the mirror and don’t like what I see, I remind myself that I am beautiful, and think of how my husband finds me sexy. 

I saw a Facebook post that resonated with me that basically said that if I don’t like what I see, just remember that I am just not my own type. So I’m trying to shift my perspective to find something that I do like.

I’m realizing that my connection to my body shows up in interesting ways in the world. I like to participate and admire cosplay. I have some cosplay goals and wishlists, but I shy away from some costumes, because I worry about not being able to look like the character. I would LOVE to cosplay as Jessica Rabbit, but I keep going back to “not being skinny enough”. I even had a friend shoot down my wish because she couldn’t see me being able to pull it off. And that was when I was at my skinniest. 

I have been tall my whole life. I love being tall, but I have a difficult time finding clothes that fit. I am either too tall for “normal” height clothes, or just too short for “Tall Fashion”. I am ecstatic when I find something that not only fits, but has sleeves that are long enough!

Overcoming Body Discomfort

Body discomfort is something most people deal with. When I’m experiencing it and I’m with my husband, I seek his confirmation that I look nice.

I also realized that I use sarcasm as a shield. I try to take my insecurities and make a joke out of it when I am with other people. 

And I’m very aware of my body. One image that runs through my mind is when I hug people who are much shorter than me. My boobs are at eye level and I practically smother them. Due to that, I keep aware of what my body is doing and where it is so as not to make anyone else feel uncomfortable. A part of growing is realizing that I use these coping mechanisms to help me with my body discomfort. 

Sisterhood and Support

I decided to become a Brand Ambassador because I wanted to get involved in something that supported womxn. I am a lifetime member of Girl Scouts, and while I have not been active in the organization for 15 years, it was an integral part of my upbringing. It instilled in me a strong sense of sisterhood, that I have always strived to maintain. 

Womxn supporting womxn is SO important. The team at Jezebel VonZeyphyr is so talented at bringing out the best of you and making every woman feel confident in their skin. For myself, participating in Project Fan Girl and showcasing my fandoms was so much fun! Even though I had gained weight since I had originally worn some of my pieces, Sara and Tiffany  were able to turn them into props or accessories. The level of care, support, and creativity made my day. 

The Jezebel Community

Every womxn deserves to feel beautiful.

When I share my session photos, the words of encouragement and compliments on my body and the beauty of the images, and my “courage” for having done this can be humbling. Each word of support builds upon the community the JVZ is creating. It’s a community where womxn build each other up for our individuality, rather than tear eachother down for their differences. 

My fellow Brand Ambassadors and I are so different from each other (age, body type, complexion, etc.), but on the first day that we met each other, we immediately started to build each other up.

My Advice to All Womxn

Why should womxn do a Jezebel session? I work in a female dominated profession, and I sadly hear members of my team put themselves down everyday. The rest of us work to encourage them and build their confidence as much as we can, but ultimately, it’s up to the individual to find their inner beauty. 

Well, stripping down and posing in front of a photographer is quite liberating, and I promise if you were to schedule a session with the wonderful women at Jezebel, you will leave feeling fabulous, and wanting more! 

The Jezebel womxn are experts in finding and building on what makes every womxn unique and beautiful. I encourage all of my friends to take a step outside their comfort zone and schedule a session with these wonderful women!

Every curve, dimple, imperfection, scar, birthmark, or blemish that make you you, will shine through in a radiant light.

Do you want to embrace your body and shine? If Jessica’s story inspired you then make your way to our website and claim your spot on our session calendar!

No matter where you are in your self-acceptance journey, we are here to help, support, and encourage you! Get ready to step into light and shine!